A Fellow Blogger’s Kindness and Decisions Start, 2008! April 16, 2008
It’s a phrase that has proven itself to be true in my life more times than I can count.
One of my favorite verses in the Bible comes from Hebrews (13:5) and it says, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”
And while that scripture has given me hope and comfort through numerous difficult situations in my life, it’s also one that I’ve struggled with. Because sometimes, I’ve looked around at the absolute mess that I’ve made of my life or surveyed the shattered pieces left of it that exploded from circumstances beyond my control and I’ve doubted. I’ve questioned. I’ve wondered, “God… you promise that you’ll never leave me, nor forsake me… but look around! Why can’t I feel you here or see you here now when I need you the most?”
Even with faith, I am still human. Prone to insecurities, doubts, worry, the stresses of everyday life.
But in every single one of the situations that have propped up throughout my life thus far, when I have seen no resolution to the problem, and my mind has been a constant wheel — spitting out nothing but frustration, God has shown Himself. He has shown time and again that He’s already in tomorrow, making provision and that all I have to do is listen to His voice speaking to my Spirit and obey. And by doing so, He will guide me where He wants me to be and I will receive what He has already put into place.
You would think, by now, that I would have learned this lesson. To not let insecurity, doubt, worry, and stress run me ragged. To relax and rest in the safe haven of God’s arms. Obviously, that’s a lesson that needs to go from “head knowledge” to “heart knowledge.”
Anyone that has been reading my journal the last few months knows the struggles I’ve been dealing with in my life down here in GJ. The battles with my roommates over their consistent lack of respect and courtesy — like getting stoned and eating every last bit of food I’d bought for two weeks, having raging parties during the work week when I have to get up the next morning, etc. You will have read about how I’ve been stressing over the fact that, even though my roommates are rude and inconsiderate, they do pay their share of our ridiculous rent and utilities — something I could most definitely not do on my own. And how our lease is up June 1st and everyone is splitting: Lucas is moving to Rx and living with his brother, Thomas is moving to Louisiana to be with his girlfriend, and Josh… is probably moving back into his parent’s basement.
The rent for just a one bedroom apartment down here is running an average of $650/mth plus most utilities. That is not do-able on my current budget with the money I make every month. And as much as I love my aunt, uncle, and their four kids… I haven’t wanted to move back in with them. Being a full-time nanny and cleaning/cooking for a large family on top of working 40+ hours and starting school up this fall is not an ideal situation.
So, in a nut shell, my living situation, up until tonight, was completely up in the air and I have had no idea what I was going to do about it.
As if that wasn’t enough, I have been growing increasingly dissatisfied with my job. I guess I shouldn’t say my job — as in the work itself. Because I love my patients and even though it gets incredibly busy and stressful at times with a million things flying at you all at once, I’ve thrived on it. More to the point, its been the “office cliques” and the “office politics” that I’ve had a problem with. Also the fact that the doctor I work with can be completely Bi-Polar at times and I never know what kind of mood she’s going to be in or how fast it can change. She’s more moody than I am on the first day of my period WITH a Thyroid Hormone imbalance. And that’s pretty damn scary.
However, I’ve been learning to pick my battles and to discern when she is being “constructively critical” and when she’s just being a bitch. And I’ve swallowed my tongue and kept my mouth shut because even though the pay is crappy, the experience and knowledge I’ve been gaining over the last six months is going to be absolutely invaluable once I start Nursing School.
In any case, all these factors have been contributing to a great deal of stress. I have been unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’ve been scared about what step(s) to take to get me where I want to be: financially stable (if not secure, yet) and most importantly, back in school.
Tonight, my friends, all of this has changed. I truly feel that God has, once again, shown Himself strong on my behalf as He also promises in His word. The answer to a large part of my problems has been given and it has come in the form of Karen, a fellow blogger. We have been reading one another’s journals for almost a year now and there are some people you just “connect” with. There’s no explanation for it, it’s just there. And from the first entry I read on her blog, (and every post thereafter), it’s been there. She’s a woman that I have a great deal of admiration and respect for. Someone who has overcome a great deal of adversity in her life, she also picked up and moved to NYC by herself and has made it. She’s fought Thyroid Cancer and survived, raised four children, and has not shied away from anything or anyone that has come across her path.
I was honored and humbled when I found her blog and first began to read. I was honored and humbled again when she began to read mine and placed a link with my own special nickname on her page. And I was honored and humbled even further when we exchanged phone numbers and began to have lengthy telephone conversations, although they have been rare due to our hectic schedules.
Tonight, she honored and humbled me, yet again, with an act of kindness that absolutely floored me. I felt like a fish, gasping for air, trying to find the words to express my deep gratitude when she offered me a home in CC.
CC — the little town that has an amazing college I’ve been drooling over ever since I got the literature on it, per her suggestion. The little town that reminds me of a mixture of the two places I’ve made home; one by heart through my parent’s decision when they packed us up and moved us there from California at age 4, and one by choice when I packed up and moved two hours away at age 19.
Everything I’ve read from the information I got from their Chamber of Commerce about the town and everything I’ve read about the college I received from the school, has been shooting up “GO!” flags.
But I seen no way to do it. I have no family there, I didn’t realize I had a friend that would be moving back there shortly and in the exact time frame I was going to have to make a decision about what to do. I didn’t have the money to start completely over and completely alone. I doubt I would have had the courage, even if I’d had the money, also.
So there’s the phrase, “God works in mysterious ways” becoming a reality in my life AGAIN.
I have been prayerfully putting my life and its course in His hands and He has not let me down — He has not forsaken me.
Nothing is set in stone as of this moment. There’s still a lot of preparation that needs done. I took the first step by getting my FAFSA completed over this last weekend to see how much “free money” the government is going to give me to get back into school. If it’s not enough, I’m going to have to look into some student loans — which is fine because I have no intention of screwing it up this time around. I still have to get my transcripts from four different schools, my ACT score, letters of recommendation, and an application for admission. I still have to write my personal essay in which I do my best to convince them to grant me admission through words. I still have to discuss everything with my parents this weekend when I go home for my long weekend off. I still have to get sorted and packed and put in about two more months with my job. I still have to find a job with flexible hours in CC.
There’s a lot that needs to be taken care of. But nothing that is unobtainable. I may even have to stay and work for a year to establish residency in Utah if the tuition for an out-of-state student is too high.
But bottom line? God just opened a door and is letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel now. The rent is reasonable and job opportunities seem to be good. It’s also not a major metropolitan city where the roads are horribly confusing and overwhelming to learn my way around. Also, it’s only about three hours away from GJ and about five away from my parent’s home so I can still go visit on the occasional weekend and go home on the holidays.
A future that was murky and confusing and completely terrifying with all the “unknowns” is starting to clear. A weight that was on my shoulders has been greatly reduced. I’m feeling excited about the possibilities.
A few entries back, I wrote about how I could feel something big coming on. I told my mom on the phone just the other night that I had this intuitive sense that, “something big is going to be happening in my life in the next couple of months. I get the feeling that not everybody is going to like it at first, but they’ll (meaning all of them) get used to it and in the end, it’s going to be what’s best for me.”
I’m not a “psychic” by any means, but it seems to me that God was giving me a leading… warning me to prepare myself, and my loved ones, for some changes that were going to be happening. I’m thankful for it because they say that God never closes a door, without opening a window and if I hadn’t had this “feeling” for the last month or so… who knows if I would have recognized what has been put before me for what it is: a blessing straight from the One who sits on a thrown in Heaven.
Thank you, Karen, for being an answer to many prayers and thank you, God, for not only listening… but answering.
Here’s to the beginning of another adventure, another step in what I hope and pray, is the right direction. Here’s to another reminder that God is always one step ahead of us, taking care of us and what the future holds, before we’re even there.
There’s a LOT of pros and cons to both sides: staying here in GJ and going to school vs. moving to CC and going to school there. I’m going to discuss it in depth with my parents this weekend and make a list — I’m a visual person and I think that might help. Then I’m going to turn it over to God and let Him guide me in making the best decision. I don’t want to do this and fail. When I go back to school this time, I WILL be graduating with my RN. I just have to figure out which route to go on getting it and it has to line up with God’s plan because if I do it on my own strength, I’m going to screw it up like I’ve done with things in my past.
No matter what, I’m so very grateful for the kindness that was extended to me tonight. I… don’t have the words to even begin to express how that made me feel. To know that someone would go to those lengths to help me. I’m very thankful.
The pressure is on. I’ve got six weeks to make a decision and get a plan together for what I’m going to do, then go for it. Because no matter what, when June 1st comes around, I’m not going to have a place to live down here so I’ve got to get the ball rolling. I can only pray that by the time I leave my parent’s house Sunday afternoon and come back down to GJ, I’ll have the answer and can start putting the wheels into motion.
And now… it is 12:30pm and I must get some sleep as my alarm goes off far too early for work in the morning. Plus, I’m totally babbling by now and repeating myself, I think. My thoughts are kind of scattered all over the place and racing in a million different directions, weighing and considering and evaluating. Oye.
Sooooo wishing for the days where my biggest concern was whether or not I had the $0.15 for a sucker at the store… in pennies, no less, haha.
I’ll be updating again this weekend once I’m back at home and have internet access without four kids clamoring for my attention and two other adults wondering what I’m doing on the internet and trying to sneak nosy peeks. It never fails; which is why internet is so touch-and-go with me when I’m down here in GJ. I don’t have it at my house and can only hop on for a few minutes when I’m at their house.
Much love and hugs to all of you! Especially those who keep reading, even though I have been so (unintentionally) lax in keeping up with your lives and/or to those of you who have kept me in your thoughts and prayers while I‘ve been going through all the drama of these past few months. I’m hoping for a quiet few hours this weekend to catch up on blogs and *GASP* leave comments to let you know I was there!
Luckily, at this point in time, it looks like I’m going to be living with a fellow blogger — and you KNOW we’re going to be having internet service, come hell or high water, haha! J
Have a great rest of the week, everybody. And don’t hesitate to drop me an email — I can check that on the internet on my phone. Or if you want to exchange numbers, I’m up for that as well… uhm, as long as you’re a regular (or at least somewhat regular) reader and you’d like to talk on the phone sometime.
And with that, I’m going to save this so I can post it tomorrow night when I’m at my aunt’s house and close my burning, rapidly flickering, eyelids and sink into some much-needed sleep. With a much more peaceful heart than I’ve had in months now.
wow that is a wonderful gift from a fellow blogger. I hope it works out. keep us updated!!!