“Before You Kick The Bucket” February 4, 2008

Tonight, I went out to the movies with some friends and watched The Bucket List. 

I haven’t seen one that has moved me and got me to thinking as much as this one did in a long, long, time. 

When my brother died, I came face to face with the knowledge of my own mortality.

With the recent death of my grandpa, I am having to come to grips with the fact that growing old and dying is a part of life, as well.

Tonight, after watching this movie, it hit home that you don’t have to be in your 60s or 70s and dying before you start living your life.  Before you do all the things you’ve dreamed of doing. 

It’s making me think more and more about my present situation and where I’m going to go in my future.  What I want, what I want to do, see, go, be…

It has been too long since I truly sat down and thought about the things that make me happy.  About what my dreams and hopes are.  I’ve gotten too wrapped up in paying bills, work drama, roommate drama, family stuff.  I’m coming to realize that all of those things are only a PART of life — it’s not the whole thing.  Especially for me.  I’ve gotten used to putting 110% into other people and this territory is new, unchartered, and very scary.

But up until watching this movie, I’ve only thought about how scary it is.  How lonely I am without having someone to “fix.” 

And now…

Now, I’m thinking about what it’s going to take to LIVE.  Now I’m thinking there is freedom in letting go of everyone else and their problems.  Of not focusing on the daily grind and instead, keeping my eyes firmly on the rising sun. 

Because each new day presents a new opportunity.  A new chance to do something you’ve never done before.  To cross something off of your Bucket List. 

I’m not sure, at this point, what all is going to go on my own “Bucket List.”  But, I do know that I’m going to be thinking about it and am going to come up with one.  Because I realize at 23, what the men in that movie didn’t realize until they were told they’ve got a year, at most, to live.  You’ve got a fresh start every.  single.  morning. 

If it’s one thing I wish for myself, it’s that I don’t wake up at 80 wondering where in the hell my life went to.  What I have to show for my life.  And full of regrets for the “should have,” “could have,” “would have.”  When I die, I want to go out with guns blazing, knowing that I had a rich, full, beautiful life and was NEVER too busy… or too self-involved/involved with others, that I forgot to stop and smell the roses.  Breathe in the fresh air.  Stand in awe of the majestic mountains that surround my home. 

All those “small” things…

I’ve taken up pottery painting as the new Friday night “thing to do.”

And… don’t laugh.

But… if I can swing it financially, I’d like to take two classes this next semester. 

Creative Writing and Photography. 

Taking pictures… capturing a moment in time… has always been something that I’ve enjoyed and liked to do, but I’ve never thought about persuing it.  Until now. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m going to try and make it a career or something, but what is wrong with having hobbies? Doing something you enjoy? Learning more about it?

I want to develop my creative side. 

I guess I just found #1 on my own Bucket List. 

I am far too practical and sensible and serious for my own good, sometimes.  I over-think way too much (ask any of my family and friends… it drives them nuts) and I’ve always been envious of people who are able to express themselves, and/or the world they see through some creative means.

I think I’d like to develop my writing and photography and just… see what happens.

Sometimes, all it takes is a movie, a song, some words of wisdom from a friend or family member… to put things into perspective.  To make you step back and think and give you some insight. 

The Bucket List definitely did that for me.  Trust me: It’s a “buyer” as we put it at our house.  No need to rent it first or go see it in theaters.  Just buy it.  And you can thank me later.  Oh, and don’t forget the tissues.  You’ll need them. 

And now it’s off to bed.  I have tomorrow off and I fully plan on writing out some ideas for this new list of mine and trying to figure out how I could swing two classes this next semester.  I’m also going to be reading some journals (YAY!)

Sweet dreams, Internet!