He Proposed! (And I Said YES!) June 28, 2009

Tuesday night, My Person asked me if I would like to go out to dinner with him Saturday night at 6:30pm. 

Of course I said “yes.”  I love spending time with him regardless of where we’re at, but the truth is, there’s just something special about spending time alone with the person you love.  And I was looking forward to a quiet evening with him. 

When I arrived at the restaurant, there was flowers and candles set up on the table.  It was a little, romantic, gesture that I appreciated and told him as much.  We opted to not order right away as we’d had a big lunch and weren’t in a hurry.  Instead, we talked for about half an hour… until his phone went off. 

Since he was on call for the hospital, he said he’d be right back as he needed to call them back and see what was going on. 

A couple of minutes later, he comes back to the table and says, “baby, I am so sorry! But the hospital needs me and I’ve got to cut this short for now.  Why don’t we go for a walk by the river here in a bit when I’m finished?”

Of course I had no problem with that! I totally understand his work needs him at times and he had promised more Him and I time later.  So I got my stuff and he paid the bill for his coffee… and we walked outside. 

He was parked on one side of the parking lot and I was parked on the other, so I didn’t think anything of it when he said, “will you walk me to my car?”

We were making small talk as we walked to his car and I wasn’t really paying a whole lot of attention to what was going on (my brain has been just a LITTLE consumed with him lol).  He was walking a little ahead of me and as I stepped up to the back of his car where he was standing, he opened up the trunk of his Explorer. 

As he did, “I Can Love You Like That” by John Michael Montgomery started BLARING from the speakers but really… I just thought it was a little odd he was listening to country music and that it was so loud. 

As he handed me a dozen pink and yellow roses and a huge think of pink balloons — one big one that said, “I love you” — I noticed our pastor sitting in the passenger seat of his car. 

But again, I was just… confused. 

Until he went down on one knee…

And then I started saying, “OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!!!” (LoL)

Luckily, I shut up long enough for him to smile at me as he looked into my eyes and said, “Amber… will you marry me?”

I started nodding my head yes as my eyes filled with tears, until I regained my voice and said, “YES!!!”

Then my entire family and our church family came running around from the side of the building where they had all been hiding, watching as he proposed.  They were all in tears and laughing at the same time, my pastor got out of the vehicle and came around to congratulate us, and… it’s really a big, happy, blur for the next few minutes. 

After much hugging and congratulations and pictures, we all went back into the restaurant for dinner, while Noel and I had perma-grin lol. 

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how I came to be engaged to the most amazing man I’ve ever met… and the only man I have ever been completely and totally, head-over-heels, in love with. 

And that’s also how I came to be writing an entry I never truly thought I would be; but I am thrilled and in love.  Who knew that for as long as we’ve been under one another’s noses… that we are actually two peas in a pod and totally perfect for one another?

But God knows exactly what He’s doing! He is so good… and… we’re looking at a wedding in mid-October .

The Day My Pastor Got Street Cred! June 22, 2009

For those of you that don’t know, Preacher Man – and his beautiful wife, Sweet Friend – are not only my pastors, they are My Person and I’s best friends.  While there is a certain level of respect there because of that fact and I’d never address him as “yo’ homie!” or something like that, we all do a lot of fun things together. 

Today, after church, they pretty much kidnapped me invited me to go along with them to GJ for shopping and dinner and general amusement.  After all, it was Father’s Day and all my dad wanted was a nap.  Something I assure you he would not have succeeded in, had I stuck around.  Because really? When you’re a Princess you strive to make everyone happy and comfortable, but when the rubber hits the road… you want what you want.  Right? (Don’t even shake your head at me, y’all KNOW what I’m talking about!)

In my case, this means that when I want some alone time, I REALLY want to be left alone.  Unfortunately, the reverse side of that is also true — when you are feeling social and want to be entertained… well… you’re going to make that happen, too.  So being the social personloving daughter that I am, I let my dad enjoy his nap… and off to GJ I went, for fun and merriment with Preacher Man, Sweet Friend, and their three beautiful daughters. 

Everything was going great as we pulled into the parking lot of the mall and prepared to invade start perusing the stores in the mall. 

Now, I just mentioned that, as a Princess? We strive to make everyone happy and comfortable.  Especially when you really love someone; hence why we go the extra mile for friends and family.  Because, ya know, you REALLY love them! (Yes, really.) 

And since I’m fairly certain that my Sweet Friend hasn’t been able to shop – with children present – uninterrupted, for… let’s say… seven years (since her first baby was born)… and I’m fairly capable with kids (most of the time), I made Mistake Number ONE. 

Meaning, I volunteered to take all three of the kiddos with me to the bathroom when they started making noises about using the “potty.” 

I know what you’re thinking… at least… NOW I do!

ONLY trained and certified mommies should attempt such a feat.

Lesson. Learned.

Moving on.

Mistake Number TWO was leaving my beautiful, precious, life-line, treasured cell phone on the bathroom counter, instead of throwing it into my purse when it was time to help the four year old wash her hands in the family bathroom.

Annnd… Mistake Number THREE was deciding to make a game out of washing our hands and grabbing paper towels so I could further cement my title as Coolest Aunty EVER.  Thus successfully distracting myself from the portal to my existence cell phone still laying innocently on the counter.

Cue me maneuvering two kiddos and one baby stroller, with sleeping baby intact, out of the bathrooms and back to the hustle and bustle of the mall. 

Ten minutes later as we prepared to leave, what would soon become the scene for my Worst Nightmare, I realized that UH HI! My cell phone is NOT WITH ME and OHMYWORDWHEREISITATICAN’TBREATHE?!?!?!

Princess-In-Training (PIT) #1, walked quickly with me back to the bathrooms 1/4 mile away, where I confirmed my horrible suspicions: my cell had been phone-napped!

Dejectedly, PIT #1 and I made our way back to the waiting vehicle.  We had confirmed with Security that nobody had turned in a green cell phone and none of the phone vendors on the way out the door had had anyone drop it off. 

PIT #1 and PIT #2 were the More Adorable Children Ever as they took in my morose expression and realized something was gravely wrong.  I got sympathy hugs and was told, “I’m sorry you lost your phone, Aunty Amber!” Followed by precious little prayers to Jesus to help bring back my phone. 

Dude.  The cuteness was killing me! And even though I was bummed, I had to face the facts and start looking to the future.  I mean…

A) How could you possibly stay upset in the face of cuteness like that?

And…

B) A Blackberry Curve (in PINK!) has been calling my name for the last few months. 

Maybe it’s divine intervention, I thought, (hopefully) to myself. 

Saying a quick prayer, I started trying to pick up my droopy spirits.  We were headed to another clothing store before hitting the Outback Steakhouse for dinner because… wow… Preacher Man can out-shop the best of you. 

If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’! I DARE one of you to try to beat him.  The funny (and only mildly aggravating) part is that he is a clearance shopper PRO and always manages to find these gem deals.  Like, I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to start searching for a house and found a 120 room castle for $30. 

Okay, maybe a SLIGHT exaggeration, but you get the point.

ANYWAY. 

Since Preacher Man has quite the colorful past as a youth involved in… everything under the sun, he immediately put this knowledge to use on my behalf.

“I’m going to text your phone since they can’t get to your voicemail, and let whoever has it know that there’s a $50 reward for returning it.” 

This is what he says after finding out that not only did I lose my phone, but also a LOT of precious pictures on the chip in it, etc.  These would turn out to be the magical words as we would soon find out.

My mom also sent a sweet text message along the lines of, “please call this number to return this phone to my daughter.  Thank you so much and God bless!”

Thirty minutes later, as Sweet Friend and I are chatting, Preacher’s Man phone starts ringing.  I had just had it in my hand as I had to let My Person know that texting every two minutes was a thing of the past for the foreseeable future and to let my mom know what had happened so she wasn’t trying to futilely get a hold of me.  Since My Person had just lost service, when it started ringing, Sweet Friend just handed it straight back to me. 

My laughter at her actions quickly turned to an excited, “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! SOMEONE IS CALLING FROM MY PHONEEEEE!!!!!”

I answered and the words tumbled out of my mouth, “hi! Are you calling from a green phone that was left in the mall?!?!”

A teen-aged voice answered back, “uh, yeah.”

“SQUEEEEEEE!!! You have my phone! Where are you? Can we make arrangements for me to get it?”

“I’m in Utah.”

“Seriously???”

“Nah, I’m just @#(*$& with ya.  Where you at?”

Swallowing my distaste at his choice of verbiage, we exchanged information and he said he would be there shortly as he was ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN! As I was hanging up, I heard a brass, young, female voice demanding, “do they have our fifty bucks?!”

Now, by this time, I was 99% sure that it was not a case of mistaken placement.  Originally, yes… but not what they did with it after locating it!

If they were still in the vicinity of the mall, I could understand a lot easier but really??? 30 minutes across town, cussing like a sailor on the phone, and obviously only calling because of the reward text that was sent?

Mmm, yeah.  That would be indicating that t-h-e-f-t was most likely responsible in this case.

But… we still wanted to believe the best of them so we prepared for the worst, and hoped for the best. 

Preacher Man bravely stepped up to the plate to handle this situation.  His eyes darted to and fro, examining and dissecting every person that walked by.  His reflexes were tensed and he was poised to pounce, if need be. 

(Okay.  Maybe he just said to have a piece of paper and a pen ready to write down their license plate number if they tried to escape with the phone still captive.)

Finally, a beater volvo full of scary-lookin’ teenagers pulled up and one kid got out and approached him.  A second vehicle of thugs pulled up behind them — I thought for sure it was going to turn into some showdown over a lost cell and $50. 

Our plan was that if they were on the up-and-up and genuinely were just returning a lost cell, we were going to give them the reward money.  If they were some punks that just wanted to make a quick buck, they were getting a check from yours truly that is from a closed account — with all my identifying information scratched out and a completely different signature.

Care to guess which one it turned out to be?

I was so proud of Preacher Man for coming to my rescue.  It was pretty cool watching him slide seamlessly into a cool cat — one who knew all the moves and the lingo because that’s how he used to roll, yo!  And Sweet Friend was cracking me up with her feistiness.  Although hesitant at first, once she seen that they were some street thugs that were trying to rip me off, she was ready to bail out of the van with fists swinging! (Which is hilarious because she is usually so quiet and gentle). 

What is the moral of this story?

Don’t try to con the ex-conman, stupid!

Okay, or…

Don’t mess with a woman’s cell, stupid!

Or, one of my favorites…

Let’s not steal, stupid!

Regardless, today is the day that I seen my pastor earn some street-cred.

And it is in NO WAY diminished by his comment after the excitement settled down. 

… When he goes, “sure glad I didn’t have to grab the phone, kick their tire, and run!!!”

LOL

Gotta love ‘em!

Naked and Not Ashamed June 6, 2009

Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing you’ve always done, and expecting different results. 

If you think about it for a minute, it actually makes sense. 

And it’s funny to me just how much can change in your life when you stop doing what you’ve always done and put your expectations off to the side.  When you open yourself up to The Different and The Unknown. 

I know that some people are still judging me by old standards.  I know that there are times where I will do something or say something that sends up one of those “big red flags.” 

But really? When someone says, “I’m not the same person I used to be” that doesn’t mean that Every. Single. Thing. has changed about them.  It gets frustrating feeling like you’re walking on egg shells around people because they are still holding you next to Your Past and doing a side-by-side comparison.  It makes it difficult to relax and it’s next to impossible to just… be yourself.  Especially when you’re still figuring out this new side of yourself!

However, I do know that there is quite a bit about me that has changed in a short amount of time.  And not that, “flaky change” either — this is only growing deeper and intensifying as time marches on; not dissipating. 

Although there are some things that have remained the same…

I am still a night person, through and through.  I seem to function best between the hours of 12am and 3am.  I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember — which is clear back to grade school when I would stay up till God-only-knows-when, with a flashlight and a book under the covers. 

I still love black and white photography, Italian food, and the people of the blogs I read. 

I’m still a wee bit obssessive-compulsive and I’m still absolutely anal about organization. 

I still love school supplies, the smells of spring, and the looks of autumn. 

I still secretly long to be a writer and I still have the romantic/dreamer heart that I’ve always had. 

Some things will probably never be different. 

… But there are other things that have and still are changing as I continue to grow in the Absolute Truth that my eyes have been opened to. 

For example, I positively detest the television now.  There is hardly anything on now-a-days that is very moral.  And I can tell you from personal experience… television can very easily become an escape from reality.  Because tv characters aren’t real — so how are they going to hurt you? How are they going to disappoint you? Or fall short of what you were expecting? When life has beaten you up, then kicked you when you were down… to the point that Real Life seems to demand too much work, too much time, and too much attention… slipping into the comfort of a make-believe world, created by Hollywood writers, is a very easy thing to do. 

I also stopped measuring my own beauty by which shade of eyeshadow I was going to wear for the day and which mascara accentuated my eyelashes the best.  Among other things.  I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin — even with a naked face — than I ever have been in my entire life.  It’s absolutely LIBERATING.  There are things that I don’t like about myself… but it’s no longer tied to what a magazine is telling me I shouldn’t like about myself.  My self-image is not dependant upon companies who have a bottom line, dollar amount, in mind when they start screaming about the latest twist in what is Fashionable and Beautiful.  Yet another impossible standard to “live up to” that I always despised… but still found myself striving to achieve for myself. 

You know what else has changed?

My ability to tell someone how you’re treating me? Is NOT okay.

Standing up for one’s self.  Wow.  Another concept that I’ve spent years struggling to master.  If it was some random person who decided to show attitude for whatever reason…

I had no problem pulling out a can of “Hold Mah baby!” and verbally wiping the floor with them.  As embarrassing as that is to admit now.  But yes, once upon a time – and not so long ago – I could hold my own against strangers who offended. 

When it came to my family and the people I considered to be friends? That was a whole other ball of wax.  Unless I got mad enough to actually say something.  And then, instead of addressing the problem in a calm, adult-like, manner… I would explode and it had the effect of a hot match on dry tinder.  Before I could blink twice, there was a raging argument going and because they were better at verbal blows than I was… I’d end up with more wounds.  More mind fodder to sit and stew on as resentment would build and grow in my heart. 

The end result was a negative, bitter, desperately unhappy person who tried really hard to cover that up. 

I used alcohol there for a while to “cover it up.”  But I didn’t like the hangovers and the unknowingly cruel, mocking, laughter of the people that would recount my antics for weeks after the fact. 

I used pot there for a while to “cover it up.”  But I lived in constant fear of random drug tests at work.  And while I’m not going to lie — I loooved getting stoned, I also noticed that I was gaining a huge amount of apathy toward everyone and everything, in life.  My dreams were slipping away and so I gave my pipe away and disengaged myself from that scene. 

I used sex there for a while to “cover it up.”  But I lived in constant fear of getting pregnant or contracting some nasty disease, even though I always practiced “safe sex.”  For the most part, these were not men I cared about… or ever cared to see again.  And because my virginity was something I had held precious for so many years, to reduce sex to something of that nature… well.  While outwardly I would even go so far as to flaunt it to my friends, inwardly I was cringing and weeping over who and what I had become. 

And because all of these things reinforced the negative, bitter, desperately unhappy person I had become… instead of helping me to escape from it, like I had wanted… I turned to food for comfort.  Friends, and even some family, were too intent on rubbing my face in the messes I had made.  Whether they realized it or not.  Every time I heard someone “jokingly” call me “whore” — I would flinch on the inside… because that’s exactly what I had become.  And whenever someone would try to “correct” me into getting my life straightened out and living the way I was had been taught, I would fight back and shut down.  After all, who were they to try and tell ME what to do when they didn’t have their OWN lives straightened out? Besides which, my heart was shattered into so many different pieces — from life’s blows and my own choices — I was in constant pain and didn’t think anyone could SEE.  Or worse… that they wanted to. 

My weight has ballooned since 2005 — the catalyst being my brother’s death.  The forces that carried on this pattern of self-destructing being… everything else. 

But “fat” is a lot easier to ignore and food is a lot easier to justify than booze, dime bags, and men. 

However, this is something else that is changing.  Right now, I am having to teach myself new eating habits.  Because even though the pain and anger and whatever else isn’t in my heart any more, driving me to the fridge… that behavior has become “the norm” for me over the last four years.  I’m having to re-train the way I think and I’m having to learn a new relationship to food. 

I will say, however, that it’s been at least four months since the last time I buried my sorrows in an entire pie at 3am.  I’m learning things like “moderation” and “calories.”  It’s a work in progress… but I also just got an elliptical for my bedroom and I’m looking forward to getting it moved up here so I can get into an exercise routine, also. 

There’s been a lot of junk that’s been cleaned out of my life the last few months… and I’m thankful. 

It’s awesome to be a non-smoker!!! It’s awesome to not be a willing slave to the fictitious image of beauty that the world would have you buy into!!! It’s awesome to not take a shower and still feel dirty, even after 20 minutes of vigorous scrubbing!!! It’s awesome not to immediately want to go for the hidden bottle of wine in the attic cupboard whenever things would be going wrong that day!!! It’s awesome to have friends that aren’t throwing your past up in your face every time you turn around!!! Who encourage you, uplift you, and support you into being a BETTER woman/person… than drag you down and help keep you there, because their own misery and low self-esteem is greater than their love for you and their desire to see you be all that you can be. 

I still have some issues (don’t we all?) and I’m no where even close to “perfect.”

… But honestly? When I said in my previous entry that the woman who is emerging is someone I can RESPECT… it was the first time I’d put those feelings into an outward expression. 

And it felt right.  I felt the truth of that statement wash over me, even as it poured from my fingertips onto the computer screen. 

For the first time in too many years… I CAN BREATHE!!!

And I can meet my own eyes in the mirror. 

THAT alone is worth the price I’ve had to pay.  Because there is very little in life that is free… especially when it’s worth it!

Life is like a mustache; it can be wonderful, or terrible… but it always tickles!

And I’m laughing at last .

Just a General “Hi! I’m here!” Kind of Thing… June 6, 2009

As of May 26th, I’m once again a college student for the next eight weeks at least. 

I have two math classes left to get through: the one I’m currently in, then Clinical Calculations in the fall.  THANK GOD!

I start Pathophysiology on July 1st.  I’m actually looking forward to this class (famous last words, I know, lol) as it’s an interesting subject — and it will prove to be the cornerstone of my nursing career later on! The only part that freaks me out a little bit is that there are only FIVE class sessions! It’s every Wednesday – from 9am to 4:30pm – for five weeks.  I got an email from the lady that will be teaching it today… she advised me to start the first reading assignment now as it’s ELEVEN chapters long.  So… ya know… like 1/3 of the book? Sigh.  It’s definitely going to be intense, but it will be good .

This next Tuesday, I am going to Pueblo for a week.  And I absolutely cannot wait! I’ll be staying in a nice hotel with my Sweet Friend and playing tourist by day, then getting pumped full at some powerhouse church services by night.  It’s a Bible camp of sorts… and I’ve been looking forward to going for the last two months. 

… It doesn’t hurt anything that The Boy will be attending also! He’s actually teaching a session one of the days and I’m really excited for him.  He has a very defined call of God on his life and he’s making steps toward fulfilling that call every day.  He’s starting school up this fall and has already preached a few different times at our home church and at our daughter church in Rx. 

Anyway, things between the two of us are definitely still progressing .  I used to jump into things very impulsively — and very recklessly, too.  I don’t really regret a lot of those things per se, because some of the greatest times of growth stemmed from those mistakes.  And some of life’s greatest rewards have also stemmed from those times.  However, as I get older, I am noticing a certain amount of change taking place. 

I’m no longer as quick to make life-changing decisions.  I am no longer willing to simply pack up, pick up, and go at my every whim.  Among other things.

… I suppose I’m growing up a little more. 

I’m still the same Amber to an extent.  But the woman that is emerging is someone I definitely like more.  She’s also someone I can respect. 

That’s a first for me and it’s totally going to make me cry here in a minute.  Because for the first time in my life, I am someone that I can respect.  Wow. 

It feels good . 

Anyway, my whole point for all of that is simply this: I am exercising caution in more areas than just one now-a-days.  And The Boy certainly falls under one of those “Life Changing” categories.  We’re progressing, it’s just the rate has slowed down a little.  We’ve stepped into some new dimensions and it’s not just that giddy, “yay! We like each other! Let’s flirt and dance around one another now!” kind of thing anymore.  It’s becoming a “we can see spending the rest of our lives with one another” kind of thing.  So we’re… taking it slow.  No matter how much we want to race forward with it.  We’re getting to know one another better — our quirks, qualities, faults, dreams, struggles, etc. 

And for once in my life? I’m not so focused on the destination, that I can’t enjoy the journey. 

But yes, he’s still absolutely wonderful and he makes my heart smile every day.  It’s pretty crazy how well we actually “fit” — both as a couple and in one another’s lives.  As PreacherMan said we’re, “two peas in a pod.”  And he was so very right. 

But I digress! It’s a subject I could go on about for a while, haha.  Hopefully y’all get the picture…

In other news, life keeps racing on.  There’s been a LOT going on.  In the last few weeks I’ve: had a girls day that included lunch at the Olive Garden, Shopping at Bath and Body Works, and Pedicures.  I’ve attended a birthday party for The Boy’s mother where I baked the cake; also spent time with her and met with her approval (yay!).  I’ve met The Boy’s brother and his wife (also named Amber, coincidentally), fell in love with their two little boys, and had a great visit with the “other” Amber.  We took a liking to one another almost immediately and she filled me in on all kinds of good-to-know/important things lol.  She also marked me with the stamp of approval as evidenced by her referring to me as her “future sister-in-law” before they left to make their 6 hour trek home. 

I also was extended an invitation to join the Honor Society through my college and am now a proud member of the Phi Theta Kappa sorority so w00t! That’s way cool!

Oh! And I enjoyed ten days without my parents being home and had it shoved in my face how much I miss having my OWN home.  My own space.  My own… dominion, ya know? I love and appreciate my parents.  They have been/still are absolutely amazing! So wonderful and supportive… I’m just… craving the independence and freedom that comes with having your own place.  Not that I’m a prisoner here, but… I’m not the one setting the “rules” and you always have to be the one to first extend the common courtesy.  Because while it IS your house, it’s also kinda not. 

So yeah.  With the amount of financial aid I received for the upcoming school year AND working this summer… I’m seriously contemplating finding a cheap place to live.  But we shall see.  I’m not gonna lie and say it’s not convenient living with my folks!

Anyway, I suppose I should get some sleep.  I have a busy day tomorrow getting things moved around and in.  My elliptical arrived like the day before my parents left on vacation.  It’s since been assembled, but I’m hoping to have it moved into my room where I can utilize it in privacy and at whatever time fits in with my particular schedule for the day.  I also have a TON of homework to get finished before I leave for next week — I don’t want to be behind in my incredibly fast-moving math class when I get home!

Until next time, take care and be blessed!

XOXO

Hi World! It’s me, Amber! (Remember?) May 16, 2009

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted.  Although I admit I’ve sat down more than once, opened wordpress, and had full intentions of writing… nothing seems to be forthcoming. 

Which is incredibly odd.  Because always always my head is full of thoughts and words and impressions.  When my heart is full, it seeks escape through The Words. 

Perhaps my blogging silence has simply been because I’ve been relishing the moments of my life and I’ve wanted to keep every drop of joy close to me. 

I guess that means I’ve been selfish in not sharing it with y’all.  And I’m sorry.  It only just occurred to me that that is a possibility!

Anyway…

Life has been totally awesome, in case you missed that, haha.

I finished my semester up the first week of May — my semester GPA was a 3.5 and my cumulative now rests at a pretty 3.7GPA.  I’m quite happy with that! I had nine months of grueling, 80hr weeks between travel, class time, study time, and homework.  This last semester, I’ve also been working in ministry and while it’s a HUGE blessing and I absolutely LOVE it, it definitely requires a lot of time and attention.  Not to mention family, friends, etc. — so it was completely crazy — but not only did I excel in my studies, I’ve thrived on the challenges (even when feeling a little stressed) and I couldn’t be more delighted at this point!

In other, school-related, news: this last week, I found out that there are only SIX qualified students to even get admission into the nursing program.  And between those six, and the rest of us who are trying to pass various/all parts of the TEAS test (I just have to get through the math!), there still won’t be a full program of 24 students.  I was advised to take my last shot at passing this thing at the end of the summer, after I’ve had the math class that actually teaches the majority of what’s on the stoopid thing.  When I found that out, I didn’t feel so bad that I missed it by one question the first time and three questions the second.  TEAS = HARD!!! Anyway, this news came from the head of the Nursing teachers, so it’s very reliable information and a lot of pressure was definitely taken off my shoulders.  Not only that, but I found out I got an additional three thousand dollars in FREE money for my 2009/2010 school year!!! (Tithing really does work, people!) I got the same amount in student loans so I’ve got my entire school year covered, plus living expenses and this makes me very, very, happy.  Praise the Lord! He is sooo faithful!

The Boy and I are… definitely moving along, lol.  Although we’ve gone out on a few “dates,” it’s been more of a casual, relaxed, setting.  Or here at my house.  Whatever.  I’ve been slowly relaxing as we’ve gotten to know each other better.  For all the flirting and everything, we’ve really been “just friends.” 

But this last week… hmm… this last week really changed the dynamics of our relationship. 

I met his parents, dude!

Yeah.  Went to dinner at his parent’s house and ate, played games, looked at old photos, etc.  It was a fun time and it went really well.  Apparently, they liked me and that’s definitely a good thing!

Now his mom is up from her little town, six hours away, and I’ll be meeting her as The Girl, tomorrow.  At church.  In front of everyone.  Sigh.  I am sooo nervous.  Even if I have no reason to be, it’s still just… one of those things, you know? Then his brother and his family will all be here this next weekend.  And I’m going to be meeting them.  AHHH!!!

… But it’s only fair.  He’s had to endure it on my side and I guess turnabout is fair play, lol.  Besides, it was bound to happen sooner or later . 

So not only is all of that changing the dynamics of our relationship, but last night…

We had our first REAL date. 

Like, we went with another couple (Preacher Man and his beautiful wife, Awesome Friend – otherwise known as Sis. Carrie lol).  And we drove to GWS where we ate at Chiles (Dude! The Fajita Quesadillas were amazing!) and then we drove back to Rxe for bowling.  It was so great to get out of town with our best friends, enjoy one another’s company, laugh… just all that good stuff. 

For the record? In case any of you don’t know? I happen to be AWESOME at sticking my foot in my mouth and embarrassing myself. 

A) It was a first for me to let a guy pay for everything.  Don’t get me wrong – I love chivalry and men being gentleman! I think it’s a beautiful thing and it has never failed to touch my heart when I’ve seen men do it for other women.  It’s just that… I’ve never been one of those girls and as such, I learned how to be independent.  So letting him pay for everything, having my car door opened, the doors held open as we walk into a building… those little things that have always charmed my romantic heart for everyone else? Was a learning experience AND a charming-my-romantic-heart thing last night.  And according to Sis. Carrie, I’m going to have to get used to it.  It’s The Way Things Are DONE, yo!

B) When your exhausted – physically and, in a weird way, emotionally – it’s best to just keep your mouth shut.  I am still grimacing at myself over a comment I made.  In my defense, it sounded WAY funnier in my head, ok? But instead of playing off previous stories from our road trip to Cali and the windows being rolled down i.e. Smell Attack… and making everyone laugh at the darker side of traveling in packed vans with a bunch of people… ummm… it sounded more like I just asked my pastor if he had gas.  Thank God for his wife – at least she laughed! Haha.  As for me… I giggled nervously and prayed that my chair would just SWALLOW ME WHOLE.  Oh… and thanked the Lord that it was very dark at this point as we were traveling home late… so no one could see my flaming red cheeks . 

But moving right along!

This last week, I feel, has added a weightiness to The Boy and I’s relationship.  I think there’s a foundation of friendship there.  Something for roots of Something More to grow into.  And thrive.  But, as with all things worth waiting for, it’s going to take some time.  Thank God he’s a very patient man! We’re definitely growing in the right direction though and he makes me smile every time I’m around him (which would be every day this past week.  My cheeks hurt lol).  I feel like there’s something very real, very solid, and very amazing… being built up between us.  And for us.  But I’m not going to get caught up in the semantics of anything.  For once in my life, I’m actually enjoying every step of the journey and am not focused on just getting to my destination. 

I’ll wait for everyone to catch their breath after hearing that from Miss Control Freak here…

It’s the truth though .  He’s pretty wonderful and I’m incredibly blessed!

Okay, okay.  I’m changing the subject before y’all start gagging at your computer screens here, haha.

The only other thing I can really think of is that classes start again May 26th.  I’ll be taking my last math class before clinical calculations and it ends July 27th.  I’m also taking Pathophysiology that starts July 1 and goes for every wednesday for five weeks — all day long.  July is going to be insane, but I’ll get through it!

My parents leave for vacation this next week and I get the house to myself for 10 days – CAN’T WAIT.  As much as I love my parents (and everyone else that tends to be living here, off and on or whatever), I MISS HAVING MY OWN HOME!!!!! So it’s going to be pretty cool to at least pretend for about a week . 

Next weekend, I’m having a game night at the house with everyone.  And Saturday, Sis. Carrie and I are going to GJ for lunch at the Olive Garden and pedicures — just a day to get away from everyone and everything and have some girl time! WooHoo!!!

So… enough about me.  How are you?

Dude. He Sent Flowers… Aww… :) April 30, 2009

Today, I received flowers from a guy other than dad for the first time, EVER.

And you want to know one of the best parts about it?

It wasn’t for any special occasion.  It was “just because” basically. 

Six hours later and my insides are still a warm puddle of goo and my heart is all mushy. 

I have the biggest romantic heart, underneath the “tough girl” attitude I try to project. 

And, well, he sent me pink-tipped, white roses.  Half a dozen of them.  Surrounded by orchids and carnations. 

See?

Aren’t they beautiful?

For those of you that want to know, the card reads:

“I’m so proud of all your hard work with school and church.  I am so thankful there is ‘no better’ friend than you in my life.  You’re a jewel.”

Yep.  Safe to say that I’m more than a little twitterpated, LoL. 

(By the way, my last final is Monday.  I promise I’ll be writing an post soon that doesn’t involve gushy stuff regarding The Boy.  Back to your regularly scheduled blogging soon.  Thanks and much love to all of ya!)

More On “The Boy” and The SWEETEST EMAIL, EVER! April 26, 2009

Tonight, I hung out with The Boy, and some of our friends, at his place.  We ordered pizza and played some Balderdash and Texas 3-13.  There was a LOT of talking, laughing, and joking around.  Our group always has a good time when we get together . 

For some reason, the topic of conversation got brought up about previous relationships and how we’ve all been “shot down” a time or two.  The Boy mentioned a specific girl from his own past and I rolled my eyes, because, hi! She was a snob. 

ANYway.  Then it came out that a girl I’m trying to set David up with had been asked to coffee by The Boy and blahblahblah.  The specifics aren’t as important as the fact that, well, he’s been… looking for “the one” for a while now.  Someone called him a “playa” (not in an “inappropriate” way, but rather a “you’ve asked a lot of girls out and had plenty of dates way) and we all ran with that for a bit, poking fun. 

As it was getting close to the time we all needed to be taking off, as church is in the morning and, as leadership, we have to be there an hour early… The Boy handed me a note.  It read, “you’re adorable ). 

As I was walking into the house, trying to be quiet as it was getting late, my phone vibrated and I opened it up to see a text message from him.  He’d written, “I’m really not a player.  One don’t know if he don’t seek and, well, I stopped seeking after No Limits.”

Which made me blush and giggle as I was locking up.  Then turned around to see my dad sitting in his chair, looking at me like I was crazy.  I stuttered all over myself explaining I’d had no idea he was there and I was just laughing at a text message I’d just received. 

Finally got upstairs and was texting back and forth with The Boy, as we do every night.  I returned a few calls and responded to a couple of emails.  Picked up my room a bit, put away some laundry, that kind of thing. 

Then, “ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!” My phone vibrates again. 

The Boy had texted me again.  I’d thought he was going to bed as we’d said goodnight and I wasn’t sure what was up, but quickly read, “check your inbox!”

I opened it up to see a subject that read, “adorable.”  Which made me smile, thinking of the note he’d passed me earlier in the evening.  (Shutup! We don’t sound like we’re 16 AT ALL! LoL). 

I was feeling inwardly-giggly (totally a word) as I clicked on the email to see what he’d written.  And was in no way prepared to read his nervous, incredibly sweet, heartfelt words. 

I was debating on whether or not to share it here, but decided to do it; even though it’s a personal email.  I’ve shared far more intimate, personal, details of my life before.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you if your teeth start to hurt, haha .

Where do I start? It all started one day when I saw you at the hospital and well, I thought, no way.  It seemed a litle weird to me that I could find someone not much older than my ex’s kids attractive to me, so I let it go.  Many times over the last year and a half, I would drive by your house on the way to work and wonder, “is Amber gonna settle down? I like her but she is not going to church regular and living for God.”  It still catches me off gaurd to see how far you have come and how much I like you,  as I never expected anything here in Mxr.  I will admit to you that part of the reason for me going to conferences and other church meetings was to try and find someone that might be mate material, but nothing ever screamed at me, “she’s the one.”  I have so badly wanted to have a family that I reached a point of being desperate and thinking that if I didn’t act now, that it would never happen.  I have pursued several people over the last couple of years, but I could always tell quickly that it wasn’t it.  I have also messed up relationships in that time, but that is all in the past and I have learned from those mistakes.  As I have told you before, I am a cuddly person and sooooo miss havin someone I can wrap my arms around and say I love you.  That is why I have been so spoiling of my mother, and I plan on continuing that even when Ms Right comes along.  I hope some of this makes sense as I ramble trying to put my thought and feelings down in written form.  I wish I could put  a finger on one specific thing I like about you, but I can’t because from what I know of you now, I like every part of your personality, your looks, your boldness, your kid heart, your intellect, the way that you can tap into God and give all the right words of encouragement without being a whatever.  And I laugh more around you than I have in a long time.  When you wink my heart skips twice.  When you laugh I want to laugh and blahblah blah.  To quote someone I know, I have probably put my foot in my mouth, but we both seem to be doing that lately.  I really am waiting on God right now, and I am perfectly fine to do that because he know what I need better than I do, imagine that! But my life has a level of excitement that I haven’t had before, not just because of you, but because of David and Mike and Summer and Dill.  I have found true friendships that I have been missing.  I really hope I haven’t said too much or made no sense about me, but I haven’t felt free enough until now to let my heart out,  consider yourself special.  Anyway, I need to get to bed, but thanks for letting me spill a little.  I will
se ya in the mornin terd.  lol have a great night princess!!!!

************************************

I started writing this last night, but then fell asleep. 

It’s now Sunday night and I just got back from having dinner with The Boy and my church family and friends.  We had SUCH a blast — and yes, he and I were flirting all night. 

In fact, Carrie even busted him mouthing, “you’re cute!” LOL

And he sent me a text message that read, “you’re so dorkiful! ” — Coz that’s just how we roll! Haha

And then, as we were all leaving, there was about two inches of really wet snow on the ground.  The Boy got out his ice scraper/snow wiper thingy and cleaned off my entire car.  I was all kinds of flustered, seeing as how that’s way outside my comfort zone so I said, “thank you so much! You really don’t have to do that though!” His response? “LET ME BE NICE TO YOU!” Of course, what other response is there to that except to back down, smile, and say, “well thank you…”

Oh! And! My pastor could have embarrassed me tonight.  I’m so thankful he didn’t.  Allow me to explain…

There’s an alcoholic who wandered into the church for the second time tonight.  The last time he came in, he was more drunk than he was tonight and he’s kind of, um… erratic.  But we all genuinely love people and want to help so we did what we did the last time he came in reeking of booze — fed him some coffee, tried to get him to eat, talked with him, and at his request… we prayed with him. 

This time, he decided he wanted to pray for us, so pastor told him to go ahead and we all stayed where we were.  The Boy was standing next to me and we bowed our heads as DrunkMan began to pray.  It was a very sweet, simple prayer that, to be honest, touched my heart. 

Then he said, “and bless all of their relationships.”

… So… even though The Boy and I aren’t technically dating (we are JUST getting to know each other, people! SHH!) my eyes flew up and over to him.  He wasn’t looking at me, but rather, at DrunkMan praying.  Before bowing my head again, I glanced around the circle to make sure nobody seen that.  ::cough::

Annnd, whaddaya know? Preacher Man had his eyes half-open and was SMIRKING at me! I couldn’t help the smile – since I busted him, busting me – and when I seen him start to grin I quickly lowered my head and focused on the prayer again.

Just about lost it and started cracking up, big time!

Luckily, I controlled myself. 

As far as I know, Preacher Man hasn’t ratted me out yet.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t!

(Because not only is that EMBARRASSING.  But because even though we’re flirting… um, a lot.  And even though I really like him and vice versa and all that… we NEED to take this slow.  I don’t want either one of us getting too ahead of ourselves and it’s not time yet for an “official” relationship.  We both still have some healing and growing to do, mmk?)

Anyway…

Just wanted to share with all of you what a sweetie he is – y’all are important to me, too!

Thoughts so far…? Anyone? Bueller?

Just Spewing Random Happiness :-) April 18, 2009

Life. Is. Good.

I’m just happy, ya know?

Sure – there are things that bother me or that I get discouraged about if I dwell on them.  And after today’s doctor appointment, I’m SERIOUSLY not happy about the 15lbs or so that I’ve gained over the last few months.  I guess that’s what happens when you a) have an extremely demanding online class and b) quit smoking.

And yet… I’m still completely okay.  I’m feeling bubbly and peaceful — no matter what’s going on in my life at any given time over the last few months, I am F-I-N-E.  No crazy mood swings or anything!

It’s been two months since I last had a cigarette and I can honestly say that I have no desire to EVER go back.  I’m buying an elliptical for the house in a couple of weeks and I know I can take the weight off – and then some!

But it’s certainly not a “focus.”  I refuse to be defined by what a number on a scale says – one way or the other.  I’m simply taking steps to get healthy in the areas that need work and maintain the healthy in the areas that I’ve already achieved success. 

Things are certainly going well with The Boy.  I have ups and downs with him — not that I really express it, per se, unless someone is asking.  All I know is that I feel them.  We spent a LOT of time together today and we had some great conversation.  I explained, in detail, about how my lack of stableness in the past has me questioning what I’m doing here now.  For the first time in my life, I’m not running.  I’m putting roots down.  I’m anchoring myself to my church, my friends, my school, and of course, my family.  To help keep me where I’m at.  Until I’m not terrified that the last few months haven’t been a wonderful dream and until I KNOW that I’m stable enough in my walk with God, my schooling, etc… we’re not going to be “official.”  Friendship is great and I think we’re both having a lot of fun just flirting, talking, spending time getting to know each other better.  And really… there’s no rush.  I may not be 100% sure on how I feel or what I think about several different things right now, but I know enough to say that I DO care.  And I most assuredly don’t want to be a cause of pain for him. 

But cautions and warnings and all that aside… he’s awesome.  I’m enjoying spending time with him and he makes me laugh. So there’s that. 

The Easter drama was a success, praise the Lord! We were all at least a little anxious about things, but once we got started… the Holy Spirit fell and there was a lot of good things taking place at the altar.  How exciting that I got to be a (small) part of that!!! I just feel so humbled and blessed to be a part of Preacher Man’s ministry.  To be a part of his wonderful family’s lives.  Sis. Carrie makes me smile and I am so thrilled that we’ve gotten so close and are drawing closer.  I completely and totally trust her… and that’s kind of huge for me. 

Anyway…

I don’t really have all that much to say.  I’m just sitting here, kinda glowing a bit, because I’m just… well… happy. 

At the beginning of this year, I struggled to list THREE things I was looking forward to for 2009 on a “getting to know you survey” thing that was going around.  I can honestly say now… that while there are some specific things coming up in the future that I’m excited about and looking forward to… it’s more of an every day thing now.  My days are full and my evenings/nights are even fuller.  And yes, there are people involved in why that is now a fact, but it’s more than that.  It’s an assurance that God is walking right beside me everywhere I go.  It’s a peace and joy that resonates on the inside as I strive daily to be in His presence.  To make sure that I’m in His will. 

And it’s working. 

And along the way… there are some FANTASTIC people that I love spending time with.  That I am having fun with.  That I adore on too many levels to list just one.

And the “tomorrows” for as long as I can see… are bright, sunny, cheerful… full of hope and promise. 

I hope yours are, too .

Part of My Testimony… April 14, 2009

I’d like to tell you all a story.  It’s kind of long and it’s not something I have “planned” in my head… so who knows which direction it will go?

And some of you… may not like me very much after I tell it.  Some of you may think that “religion” has no place on a blog.  But this… this is not my “religion.” 

This is who and what defines me.  It’s important and it’s pretty awesome if you can step back and get past the, “she’s completely nuts” thoughts that pop up the minute someone says, “I love Jesus.”

So here’s the thing.  For those of you that have been reading me for a while, you’ll know about some of ”the stories.”  You’ll remember the drunken nights out on the town.  You’ll remember… well, a lot.  I’m not proud of most of the things in my past — not only what I’ve done, but of how I’ve thought.  The unspoken judgments I’ve passed on strangers.  The snarky mean things I would speak to my so-called friends, who would throw one of their own out there, and then we’d all laugh at how clever we were. 

But last summer, I was at a church that my grandmother had been going to for many years.  I was raised in a church and even though I hadn’t seen the inside of one for about three months, you can’t just turn your back on what you know.  So I started going – even though I was extremely skeptical and I didn’t really like the preacher all that much. 

This young couple had two adorable kids that captured my heart right from the get-go.  As did Preacher Man’s wife.  His pregnant, impossibly sweet, beautiful, wife. 

And even though I didn’t like it very much, Preacher Man’s sermons were Hitting. Home. Hard. 

For the first time in months, my spirit was feeling fed.  I felt like a runner who had just sprinted three miles in the sun and was finally getting all the ice cold water he could drink. 

When it was suggested that I have my baptism re-done so it was in Jesus’s name, I shrugged and thought, “why not?”

I had no idea the power that was going to be unleashed in my life at the time.

Even though I was still skeptical and didn’t really “get” why baptism in Jesus’s name was so important or why they did some of the things they did, I couldn’t get ignore the draw I felt to this church.  To these people. 

And I was moved by compassion for the lovely wife of this new Preacher Man.  My heart would tug every time I’d see her because, hi! I’ve lived here my entire life and small towns aren’t exactly known for their open-mindedness.  I knew that her husband was already stirring up feathers (seeing as how mine had been ruffled, also!).  I knew that she didn’t have any family here and had no idea if she had any friends.  And she was just SO NICE. 

I started watching the kids every so often, as they needed aunties since their closest family is a 1000 miles away.  I started hanging out at their house every so often — in part because I was drawn by the care they showed.  In part because Preacher Man’s wife needed a friend.  In part because I was watching and waiting; to see when they were going to prove all my worst thoughts true — like they were hypocrites.  Or they couldn’t possibly be that awesome all the time or live their Christian walk ALL THE TIME. 

It was a wake-up call to see that they actually LIVED by what was preached! They based their lives over what the Word of God says and it wasn’t something that was ever shut off.  I started longing for what they had.  I wanted that peace! That joy! That love! Everything…

My spirit had been so hungry for so long and now… seeing the faith of these people, being on the receiving end of their loving kindness, I felt my caution and mistrust start to slip away.  I started desiring to be around them more and more.  To help, in some way, give back what they so diligently gave to everyone that crossed their path. 

And, of course, it didn’t hurt that Preacher Man knows how to make these awesome Espresso Mochas! Haha

I started going to their church and hanging out with them on a more regular basis.  I didn’t even realize that my heart had started softening and changing.  I didn’t even realize that, even though I was still hanging out with my “other” friends, that every time I would cuss or do something that I knew I shouldn’t be doing… that my heart would cringe a little.  That I would feel like a hypocrite because the “tough” exterior wasn’t matching up with what was in my heart any more. 

I could feel something brewing — but wasn’t able to put my finger on it.  All I knew was something was in the air!

Then I went to the No Limits conference in California the first week of March and OH! WOW!

The transformation became solid there.  I’d stopped smoking two weeks prior, but that was really one of the only things I’d done.

All I knew was that… my walk with God was no longer about what I *had* to do to make it into Heaven.  I figured as long as I wasn’t going to spend all of eternity burning in hell… I was good to go! I had never given much thought to the fact that God knows every hair on your head.  And if He cares and loves you enough for that, He’s going to care about how you talk, how you walk, what you do in the privacy of your own home, how you dress… everything.

I know that I had big road blocks up when it came to the rest of my walk, above and beyond what I had to do to make Heaven… because I didn’t want to change.  I didn’t care that God has emotions just like us.  I didn’t care about what makes Him happy, what pleases Him, or what’s required of me as a Christian woman. 

And now I do.  I’ve learned that there is MUCH MORE to why God himself came to earth, wrapped in flesh and became a man so that he could carry a 300lb cross on his naked back and walk on the road all the way to calvary.  Where He would be nailed to it and mocked and crucified for my sin.  There is a reason why He CHOSE to stay up there. 

So many of us… we would give or do anything to please the man/woman that loves us.  But we couldn’t care less about doing the things that pleases the lover of our souls — the one that gave His life to save ours.  Some of us don’t even want to take the time to meet Him… much less figure out what his likes and dislikes are. 

I’ll tell you what… it does something to my heart when I see God – whose name is Jesus – down on one knee.  Feeling the weight of that old, rugged, cross… digging splinters into his back.  Already having been whipped and beaten.  Already having had his beard plucked from his face.  Already having had a “crown” of thorns jammed onto his head.  I can so clearly see him kneeling there, breathing heavy, thinking on how he could call 10,000 angels down to save him right then and there.  But then he looked forward – 2000 miles into the future, to be more exact.  And he seen me. 

He seen all the sin in my life.  The alcohol, the weed, the men, the foul mouth, the disrespectful attitude.  He seen everything that would block me from ever being with Him again and what would damn me to a devil’s hell. 

You know what he did?

He got up, my friends.  The determined light in his eyes became stronger, he squared his shoulders, and he got up.  Knowing as he did so that it was only going to get worse.  That he would be spit on.  He would be mocked.  He would have a spear – a really thick, sharp, knife on a stick – jammed into his side.  He would have spikes drove through his hands and feet.  He would be slowly starving, longing for water, in the most excruciating pain anyone could possibly endure and humiliated to boot.

FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN’T EVEN HIS FAULT TO BEGIN WITH. 

He didn’t *have* to do anything, folks. 

But he wanted to.  Because of a love that none of us could possibly understand. 

I’ll tell you what… there’s something about that… that is powerful.  It breaks my heart and amazes me all at the same time. 

Tonight, I got to see His name used in a mighty and powerful way as a girl that I’ve been praying for was baptised.  I seen the glow on her face that can only come when you secure your salvation (although it can be lost if you don’t walk carefully).  I felt the joy leap and dance through my veins as I seen, first hand, another reason why Jesus decided, IT’S WORTH IT.

I’m so thankful.  I’m so humbled.  I’m so… in awe. 

In less than six weeks, I got the revelation of the things that I need to be doing for Jesus to be pleased with me.  Not just loved — that’s free, given to us through His awesome grace.  But to want to be more and more around me because I’m not irritating him by how I’m dressed, what I’m talking about, and how I’m living. 

In less than a day, He delivered me from cigarettes – an addiction in my life that had been there for almost 10 years.

In less than six weeks, He’s done massive work on my self-esteem, given me an understanding of what my identity is in Him and who defines me.  He’s put a pretty great guy in my life that I’m getting to know more and more.

And even before all of this… he gave me an amazing best friend that loves me, supports me, and genuinely cares about everything in my life – from the mundane to the big.  (Hi, Sis. Carrie!)

I also have three, absolutely beautiful, adopted nieces who smile and light up whenever I see them. 

And I have a pastor who loves me enough to tell me the truth, even if I don’t like it.  Who will carefully watch after my soul and make sure that I am staying within the perimeters set up by God himself, in His word — so that I don’t lose my salvation. 

In less than two months, Jesus has come in, shaken up everything, cleaned out the big junk (and is getting rid of the smaller stuff as it’s found), and started blessing me.  Even though I’m not worthy in the slightest bit. 

So yeah… I’m feeling beyond humbled.  And loved.  Joyous.  Peaceful. 

And to think it all started with a trip into a baptism tank and getting my hair wet .

The “First Date” April 10, 2009

For the last few weeks, a really nice guy has been quietly, but doggedly, worming his way into my life.  And good graces.

We’ve had tacos at my grandma’s house, a few game nights, and a lot of conversation. 

Random text messages throughout the day that range from hilarious commentaries to just a quick “hey, thinking of you and wondering how your day is going.” 

We’ve been spending a lot of time together as we run in the same circles, attend the same church, and we’re both in leadership positions.  And since I observe people, even when they’re not aware of it, (thank you, my daddy, for teaching me that over the years!), I’ve been going about my business and just… watching. 

I was kind of hoping that I’d find a reason not to like him.  Or at the very least, substantiate pretending like he never asked me out to dinner nearly two months ago.  But instead…

I seen a man that chases the little kids around the church to tickle them and make them laugh.  Who is clearly adored by them, as they run up to him after service with their pictures and projects they made in Sunday School.  And he clearly adores them right back, as he “oohs” and “ahhs” over them… then plasters his refridgerator with their child-art.

I seen a man that took the time to go shovel the walkway and porch of my widowed grandmother’s porch… without boasting about it or using it to “get in good” with me.  Or for payment or anything!

I seen a man that just this past Sunday night, treated an intoxicated man, who stumbled into our church with respect.  He talked to him like a human being – in spite of the fact that he smelled as if he hadn’t showered in four days, was reeking of liquor and a variety of “smokes,” and was bleeding all over the place. 

He asks me questions… then listens to what I have to say.  He’s respectful and considerate and he cares about the things that are important to me. 

If nothing else… he’s going to make an awesome friend.  And already does . 

So… tonight? I had him over for dinner and I have it on good authority that since I shaved my legs today, it was definitely a “first date.”  Nevermind it was casual, relaxed, and just (awesome) spaghetti that I made. 

We talked, we laughed, we flirted, we were honest about some of the more serious subjects. 

Nevermind the fact that while I was making coffee to go with the peach cobbler I’d baked, I spaced out about the “hot burner” on the stove, melted the coffee container, and had to clean up coffee – and scrape melted plastic off the glass, flat-top stove.  ::cough::

Nevermind the fact that my mother was trying so hard to nonchalantly listen in on our conversation in the kitchen, while walking to the fridge, she stepped on my cat’s tail and made her freak out.  Then cracked own self up about it because HELLO! BUSTED!

Nevermind that I may, or may not, have made a comment along the lines of, “yeah – I want two or three kids eventually, but my womb will NOT turn into a clown car.” 

All of which, really, I’ve been laughing about.  But still! On a first date? C’mon!

But then… there was some comment made about how there was more weight on him than there should be, as he started to dig into his seconds on the dessert.  In response, I said, “Uh, Hey! I’m a fluffy girl! And that gets me all self-conscious so SHH!”

And he looked me straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “you’re PERFECT.”

Dude.  That was really sweet. 

::sigh::

I’ll be perfectly honest here. 

I’m cautious.  I’ve been burnt before – some of it my own fault… some of it, not so much.  I have some trust issues and some self-esteem issues; both of which are getting better. 

And don’t give me too hard of a time, okay? The fact that I haven’t withdrew from school, hopped into my car, and moved already is a HUGE step after all the drama that’s taken place since this past August.  Not only that, but I’m not even taking steps TO run! I’m digging my heels in harder and more firmly.  I’m putting anchors down everywhere I look to keep me grounded while the roots dig in deep. 

On top of which, I just cooked.  For a man.  In my own home. 

And I’m only a lot little freaked out by this fact.  I’m keeping myself from slamming doors and running in the opposite direction right now — it helped when he told me he wasn’t going to pressure me about any of this.  So that was pretty great that he understands I need my space.  I need room to grow.  He understands my schooling is important to me.

I don’t know if I can be what he wants/needs for himself.  He’s 10 years older than I am and yeah… we’re compatible on some important levels but… that’s not enough.  Not for me.  It doesn’t matter if anyone else is sure of how great he and I are together or whatever… I have to be sure. 

Like I said… I’m cautious.  I’m careful.  I don’t like making mistakes that hurt someone else. 

And SOME people need to understand that regardless of what they think/feel they see, they can’t be pushy.  They can’t indirectly pressure me.  And they need to stop putting composite pictures of he and I together in their heads to get a rough idea of what their future, metaphorical, grandbabies may look like! (Yes, I’m onto you, mother.)

Not running… is huge for me.  Sticking it out, even though I get so panicked it’s hard for me to breathe sometimes when I start thinking too far ahead… is huge for me.  Not over-analyzing the situation to its death… is huge for me.

SO many different things are flying at me all at once.  It’s a whole new chapter of my life.  I’m terrified so please just have some patience here and don’t freak me out! Okay!?

I’m so glad that he, at least, gets this.  And is willing to be patient and bide his time and make absolute sure that God is cool with this.  We’re both in the ministry and if things don’t work out and go sour, it could be very awkward being in a smaller church setting.  Neither one of us want to do anything that could hinder what God is doing so we’re just… being mindful.  There’s more than just a “boyfriend/girlfriend” situation here. 

So for tonight… for now… I’m going to be thankful that he and I are both comfortable/happy with where things are at and not start spazzing.  And I’m going to go to bed with a smile because he just sent me a text that said, “you’re a peach.  I really dig you.  Thanks for a wonderful night.  “

Because that was just really sweet.