I’m Doing It. I’m Really Going Back To School. Really! July 22, 2008

Going back to college. 

It shouldn’t seem like such a “big deal” for someone who is in their early 20s.  It shouldn’t seem so exciting and overwhelming all at the same time.  After all, it wasn’t that long ago that I was graduating high school for cryin’ out loud.  It also wasn’t that long ago that I was taking the first few steps to getting into college for the first time.  So all of this is not new exactly:

- Enrollment

- FAFSA (and all the other financial aid forms)

- Registration

- Schedule (and dealing with the conflicts thereof)

A “big deal” and AMAZING is people like my mother, who went back to school and got her GED when she was 35 years old.  Then went back to college at 36 years old and not only “got through it” but EXCELLED and graduated Regis University with a 3.8GPA.  All the while still being a wife and mother. 

While she says it is (and was) her greatest joy to be our mother, I know it hasn’t always been easy on her.  Growing up, I wasn’t really a “bad” kid per se - I did my fair share of partying, but I never smoked pot or had sex until I was 19-21.  Mostly, I was The Mouth.  And in that regard, I didn’t make it easy on her.  Uhm, at all. 

But I did do what I could to stand by her while she went after her Bachelor’s Degree, even if I did resent her for a long time because I had all this responsibility and all I REALLY wanted was to go out with my friends!  Cooking, cleaning, taking Matt and Ashley to the things they were a part of and places they needed to go, grocery shopping, etc.  I learned at a young age to bargain shop and trust me - you get some weird looks from cashiers when you pull out your parent’s checkbook at 16 years old to pay for two full carts of groceries.

(For the record: I wouldn’t change a single thing, except take away the resentment I had toward my mom for going back to school, with all the above.  Sure, I missed out on some things — but I gained more than I could possibly being to explain.  <– That happens a lot, doesn’t it? :()

My brother was the Attention Whore because he had multiple issues that needed time and attention - including numerous meetings with school officials, cops, and judicial workers.  He required a lot because of his mental issues and the subsequent things it got him into.  ALTHOUGH, for the record, my parents did not EVER let him use his mental illnesses as an “excuse” to get out of trouble or around the law.  They made him stand up, face the consquences of his actions, and accept whatever punishment came because of it — all the while, standing beside him. 

My sister was… and still is… The Sneaky One.  They had to keep a constant eye on her because she is an introvert to the extreme and will bottle everything up.  Then she’ll try and fill that void with things like drugs, alcohol, relationships, etc.  There was a time where some of Ashley’s pain had to be dealt with because with Matt needing as much as he did from my parents, she feels like sometimes their eyes were taken off her and they didn’t see some of the things that she needed them to see.  Although now that she’s been clean and sober for 17 months, she’s taken her share of personal accountability for that dark time in our lives.

On top of the three of us kids, there was always an army of our friends over here — my parents somehow always managed to feed them and help take care of them as well.  Even going so far as to letting quite a few of our friends stay at our place for a while when they were going through some serious things with their parents. 

It’s amazing to me EVERYBODY else who succeeds despite incredible obstacles.  My mother was working on Statistics homework the day she received the call my brother had been in an accident.  She explained the situation to her instructor and took an “Incomplete” in that class until she could pick it up in the fall again. 

I don’t have the words to describe what it was like to watch her, literally sobbing, every single day as she pushed through that last course she needed for her degree.  Because every single day she did, she was reliving my brother’s death. 

To me? THAT is strength.  THAT is courage.  THAT is amazing. 

I’ve only been out of school for a few years and don’t have nearly the obstacles facing me that so many of those who have gone before me into this World of Education have faced.  Betty is another prime example of getting back into school and going after her dream in the face of huge mountains.  Being Bi-Polar herself (one of the diagnoses Matt had), being a single mother after divorcing from your husband, and having a horrible childhood to overcome are not the “ideal” circumstances in which to try and obtain your degree.  Yet, she did it and now, she’s only a few short classes away graduating herself.  (By the way, nothing I’ve written here is not anything that Betty herself doesn’t discuss openly on her blog.  She’s an incredible woman so please go check her out… and you can see for yourself that she is incredibly brave in the re-telling of her life’s stories).

Anyway…

I’m getting off point again, as I’m prone to do because my thoughts are usually so scattered when I sit down to write.  They come together as I pour them out through my fingertips, but… well… obviously there are a lot of them (haha).

So… I guess The Point of everything I was writing about above, is simply that it’s my turn.  My time.  My chance.  And it IS a “Big Deal” for me. 

I’ve had them in the past and screwed up… but I was younger and a much, much, different person back then.

Getting my CNA license and passing the state boards on my first try? Boosted my self-esteem.

Getting through Medical Assisting School and passing with a 4.0GPA? Boosted my self-esteem.

Knowing that, despite my doctor being an evil bitch for the most part, I succeeded at being a “nurse” to my patients - earning their respect, their confidence, their trust.  Helping to ease their pain when they came in, organizing a new doctor with a new practice.  Well, just all the things that I learned and accomplished working in the healthcare field for nearly a year? Boosted my self-esteem.

So now… I have a renewed confidence in myself and my ability to succeed that wasn’t there before.  Where there was a fear of failure, there is now faith to go further than I ever thought possible.  I’m going to do this.  I CAN do this - with God’s help. 

I have several phone calls in and I’m definitely in the “waiting” part of the game now.

Waiting to see how much financial aid I receive.  Waiting to see if they are going to let me skip Bio 109 and 111 (the prerequisites for Anataomy and Physiology) as I’ve been a Medical Assistant and have taken basica A & P.  Waiting to see how my schedule plays out as I receive more information.  But the nursing program instructor is AWESOME and gave me her direct line in case I need anything else and she was wonderful answering my questions yesterday. 

Apparently, I scored high enough on all my tests for everything except Math, that Math is the only part of the “Accuplacer” I have to take to determine which course I should be in.  Which was a relief, a dread, and kind of an ego stroke all at the same time. 

If the cards fall as I want them to, then I’ll be taking 3 classes that are in the Nursing Program itself (as I’ve already gotten the majority of my pre-reqs out of the way, but have to be a full-time student for the financial aid and all that)… then I’ll be taking FIVE classes for a total of 13 credits. 

1) Anatomy and Physiology I (Pre-Req)
2) Math 030 (Beginner! Ha!) (Building Block Class)
3) Dietary Nutrition (Nursing Program Class)
4) Introduction to Sociology (Nursing Program Class - for Social Behaviors Elective)
5) Photography 101 (Nursing Program Class - for Fine Arts Elective)

So far, Dietary Nutrition is the only one I’m definitely registered for.  I’m praying that everything else works out the way I want it to.  Once you actually get into the Nursing Program, each semester is 20 Credits - full time is 12 so that’s… intense.  If I can knock out as much as I can during my pre-req stage since I have to be full time but the majority of my Nursing Pre-Req classes are done… well, I’ll be sitting pretty by the time this next fall comes around. 

My car will be paid off in the next month or two.  Since I’ll be a full-time student, I can go back on my parent’s auto insurance policy, and it looks like they’re going to give me money for my other bills monthly.  Just for this first semester so I can take out student loans to live on when I’m in the Nursing Program itself.  This way, I won’t be in any more debt than I absolutely have to be… which I’m incredibly grateful for. 

This first semester can quite possibly be a butt-kicker, but you know? If I can get through it, I can work Spring and Summer semesters before starting nursing school in Fall 2009 because I would only have to take 2 classes and thus drop down to half-time status. 

Spring 2009, I would only have to take:

1) Anatomy and Physiology II
2) Math 060

And Summer 2009:

1) Microbiology
2) Math 090

Can you tell I’ve thought about this a LOT and put a lot of planning into it? Haha

Now… it all just needs to work out the way I NEED it to so that I can start nursing school this upcoming fall.  So you can imagine I’m doing a LOT of praying.  My parents are in a position to help me now, where they weren’t “back in the day” and I kept getting teary-eyed and trying not to bawl when I was talking to my parents about This Plan.  And how, if I can just get through this semester, I can work again but I JUST CAN’T WORK FULL TIME WITH FIVE CLASSES, MOM AND DAD… and I need your help but I’ve got wayyy too much of a stubborn streak and wayyy too much pride… but I’m asking because my dream means more to me than my stubborness and pride. 

They’re “discussing” it, but I think they’re going to do this for me.  My mom took my hand with tears in her eyes, and said, “don’t think about it that way, sis… think of it as us paying it forward.  You helped me get through school and now it’s our turn to help you.  Besides, we are your parents, we love you, and we want what’s best for you.  We know this is your dream, sweetheart!”

WHY OH WHY did I EVER think my parents were uncool or stupid at any point in my life?

They. Are. Awesome!

Now… if the school could just jump on board, things would be just about perfect :).

And… for better… or for worse… regardless of what the school does…

I. Am. Officially. A. College. Student. Again.

God help me!

A Quick Summary Because I Am A Cranky Hag Right Now July 17, 2008

I do not have the words to describe the events of the last two weeks.

Two weeks since I’ve spent any decent amount of time sitting at my computer, trying to come up with something that resembles an actual post - instead of just random crap.

Without going into too much detail because of certain people that read this blog… and because my mind is too cluttered for words to edge their way through… this is a quick summary of the latest happenings:

Atlanta - was absolutely, incredibly, AMAZING.  My sister and I really found some healing on our trip together and are moving back into the realm of “close” again.  I am so beyond thankful for that that mere words could not do what I’m feeling, justice about this.  I wish I could go back and stay in Atlanta/Surrounding area for a lot longer…

Job - After a ridiculous incident today with another nurse, Snake, I was forced to take a stand.  She butted into another patient’s care and publicly derided and questioned a judgment call I made regarding this patient.  Also, the doctor had already agreed with it and signed off on it.  Yet, she still made it HER issue.  And called me a liar - which is something I will NOT take from anyone.  I basically set her straight about exactly what happened and after she said she “didn’t believe me” after admitting to thinking I am a liar, I told her it was a damn good thing I didn’t care what she thought or believed.

I then reported the entire incident to the manager and to my doctor.  I also presented the chart - with all my documentation including dates, times, etc. regarding this and pretty much told them, “you either fix this, or I’m leaving a day early.  I will not work in this hostile and uncomfortable environment any longer.”

The manager was in tears when she told me that she’s seen what it’s been like for me with Snake and with the doctor I work for the past few months and that if I wanted to leave, I could.  If I wanted to come back tomorrow, I could do that also.  I politely declined as she didn’t have enough spine to even sit down and mediate a conversation between the parties regarding this situation.  I asked for my paychecks, turned in my clinic key, and went and got my vehicle from the shop which I had been notified was ready.

YAY! For having my car back!

I’m now back at home - with my bills paid for this month and close to a $1000 in the bank to sit on while I figure out what to do about a job.  The most important issue at hand is to complete the process of getting my paperwork in for school. 

I’ll also be spending a lot of time cleaning and organizing the upstairs as my parents have had quite a few people stay with us over the last few years since I’ve been gone and it’s time for some spring cleaning.  I’m also ordering new paint and carpet.  And a new bed as they threw mine out.  Between all that and job hunting, I do believe I’ll be quite busy until school starts August 27th.

I’m still jet-lagged as we traveled over 5000 miles in six days and were going non-stop the entire time.  Then it was work, work, work.  Drama, drama, drama.

I’m going up and sitting in the hot tub with a good book, taking a sleeping pill, and going to bed.

I’ve had enough of people, enough of their issues and drama, and enough crap to last me for at least 24 hours while I catch up on sleep and hopefully shed some of the grumpy cloud that is hanging over my head and getting darker with every person who so much as BREATHES in my direction.

MmmHmm… yes, sleepy time it is.

And THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU http://secondhandkarl.com, http://shellis-sentiments.com, and http://winterheart.com.  I appreciate all of you who guest posted for me while I was gone — it was some interesting reading - some of it made me laugh, some of it made me cry, and some of it made me sit back and go, “WHOA!”

Sex With the Undead! July 13, 2008

Hey there! I’m Winter from Sunlight Sucks. I’m a writer. I write paranormal romance at an online serial story called The Bar. That means I write about vampires having sex. I write about sex a lot at the Bar. I also have some of my work posted at The Pink Chair Diaries, which features work by lots of authors all with a common theme – the pink chair. (Which is totally a plastic blow up chair with a pink dildo. Really.)

Since you don’t know me, I’ll start out talking about my second favorite topic – ME! My first favorite topic is Marcus Schenkenberg who is the hottest man on the planet in my opinion. I post photos of him every Monday on my blog.

Anyway, just so you what kind of freakish person I am, in addition to writing about vampires, I was born on Halloween and I work at a cemetery. Yep. A cemetery.

Now that you know where I work, here are the standard answers to all those questions that I know have just popped into your heads:

• Yeah, sometimes I see the people in their caskets or when they are being brought into the mortuary on gurneys. They are covered up, of course, so all I can see is a person shaped lump under the blanket. In the casket, they are already embalmed and cosmetized.
• No, people do not move or sit up or stuff like that when they are dead. The decomposition of human flesh, however, can cause gases to build up in the body, and well, things happen because of that.
• Yes, when they cremate you, they put all the ash into a grinder because sometimes there are bone fragments left behind.
• No, you can’t be tossed into the ocean for the fishes to eat unless you’ve been cremated first.
• No, I don’t do anything with the dead people myself. I am the network admin.

Alrighty then. Got that outta the way. Those are the top 5 questions I get asked because I work at a cemetery. If you have other questions, please feel free to stop by my blog and drop your question in my comments. Or if your question is of a more private nature, you can email me at winter at winterheart dot com. (I know you all want the link to the vampire sex, don’t you?)

And really, what you’re thinking about the vampire sex is all wrong, you know. You’re all thinking “Eww! Sex with the undead! Gross!” But see, the thing is, the vampires at the Bar aren’t the undead. At the Bar, the undead are zombies, which actually haven’t been introduced into the story as yet. The vampires at the Bar are just another species. They are very like humans, but physiologically they require blood as well as food to survive.

The Bar vampires do not explode or turn to ash in the sun. Instead, they get nasty 2^nd and 3^rd degree burns. If they are younger vampires, they can get sun poisoning, which can kill a vampire. The older the vampire, the better sun tolerance they have. These vampires don’t go around biting humans indiscriminately either. They don’t drain anyone of their blood. In fact, female vampires at the Bar don’t even need to feed very often unless they are pregnant.

Besides the vampires and other assorted beings at the Bar, you should know that the story is written by 16 writers, 4 of whom are on hiatus currently. We come from all parts of the world (Spain, Scotland, England, Hawaii, California, Indiana, Wisconsin, Arkansas, and more). Of those writers, three are men. We all work together to create the stories, which are told on a message board in post form. Each post is a piece of the overall story, written in first person, from the point of view of one of the characters. The sex scenes… are explicit and hot as Hades.

Here’s a little taste of the Bar:

Then it happened. His hand touched my leg, finding its way with a torturous glide over my calf and to my knee. I began to shake, and then his hand slid to my thigh, stopping only inches from where I wanted it to go. My breath caught in my throat as my mind filled with erotic images of myself twined around him, loving him. I stared at him, unable to hide the desire that had risen to monumental proportions within me. His free hand came up and caught my wet hair, pushing it away from my bare shoulders so he could trail his fingers like fire across my collarbone to my throat where my pulse was completely out of control. His face was a mask of lust, and he looked like he was about to yank me out of the tub and cart me off to his bedroom.

Being a writer can sometimes be a pain. I mean, the work never stops. We have a reader base who always want the next piece of the story. However, this is a labor of love for us. Our characters are pretty rooted in our brains now. They always have something to say, and they demand to be written when that’s the case. Sorta like how people are about writing their blogs. You get caught up in it - writing and reading.

I think that about wraps it up for me today. Either Amber will back or another blogger will be along tomorrow. I hope I entertained you a little bit while Amber’s on vacation. Have a great day and don’t let the zombies eat your brains!

Karl’s Pending Trip to California July 12, 2008

Hi there, Princess fans! It’s Karl from SecondHand Tryptophan filling in for Amber while she’s living it up on a little vacay. Kinda scary that she’d trust me with the keys to her place, but that’s exactly what she’s done.

Speaking of vacay, I’m fresh back from New York City and had a blast there. Rather than replenish my ever-shrinking bank account, I’m turning around and leaving for my annual California trip on Tuesday. Thought I’d cover some of the things I’m looking forward to in my three-week visit with Hilly.

1. First of all, there is Hilly, my bestest friend on planet Earth. We met online over seven years ago and have been getting together every summer for the last several years.

Hilly never ceases to amaze me with her wit and charm and bottomless mug of curse words. Driving with her is always amusing, resulting in phrases such as “Way to cut me off, you cocksnuggling smegma sucker!” Plus, I love going to her crunchy Gristedes store behind the Orange Curtain.

2. One of my annual outings always includes BlogHer, which is a predominantly female blogging conference. There is roughly a 10% male contingent these days, and this will be my third year in attendance and I wouldn’t dream of missing it. It just so happens that this year’s conference will be in San Francisco and Hilly will be going with me for the first time.

There’s me and Elisa, one of the three cofounders of BlogHer. Unfortunately, she’s married now. But she’s very cool and laughs at my bad jokes and goofy t-shirts. It’s now tradition that I wear smartass t-shirts to BlogHer that are mildly offensive to women. Last year, for example, I wore a shirt that said “Tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes.” One woman said, “Don’t you think this is a bad venue to be wearing that shirt?”

My reply: “Why? Where on Earth am I going to find MORE boobs than here?”

You’d think I’d be able to get laid with more than 900 women all in one place, that at least ONE of them would have incredibly bad judgment and follow me back to my room. But no. So far, nada. Dammit.

3. San Francisco. I’ve been several times now, but always on short day trips.

This year, I’ll have more time to spend in SF, since BlogHer is in San Francisco. I love the town. It’s beautiful, always around 20 degrees cooler than the rest of California, it seems, and full of great food and great people, some of whom are gay and trying to get in my pants. I’ve assured them that this won’t happen. Unless they get me really, really drunk first.

4. Those people include Jester, who I’ll be meeting for the first time in person.

Jester

I love Jester to death. He cracks my shit up on a regular basis with his radio shows, where I’m a frequent caller. And there is no rant on Earth like a Jester Rant. Genuine and witty fellow. And I believe that while I’m in California, he’s going to attempt a 24-hour radio broadcast, which will be great fun.

5. Comic Con. I’m not sure if this is going to happen yet, but hopefully it will. This year it’s in San Diego and will include lots of my fave sci-fi and comic book geeky heroes. Ray Bradbury, Sergio Aragones (MAD magazine), Dean Koontz, Noel Niell (the original Lois Lane!), original Battlestar Galactica folks, the Greatest American Hero, and tons more. Yeah, I’m a huge geek.

6. Lots of friends. I’ll be visiting with some people for the first time and others that I’ve met before. Looking forward to meeting Winter and Motley. And SJ and her brood again. Then there are some offline friends like Mike, who I haven’t seen since I was 20 years old. Yeah, that’s been a few years. Mike is actually an experienced comic book artist himself. We used to play Dungeons & Dragons together as teenagers. Many, MANY hours of D&D.

7. DaveDiego. This is one of Dave’s many blogger gatherings, this time in San Diego because he’ll already be there for Comic Con. Hanging with Dave is always a blast, whether it’s at TequilaCon or a Dave event. I just pray that Bad Monkey wears a diaper this time. Last time, he was flinging poop at everyone within spitting distance. And he’s got a hell of an arm for a little monkey.

8. The Apple Store in Orange County. Because next month when I get my next check I WILL get myself a new iPhone, dammit! I will not be denied! I covet them. I want one badly. And by then, hopefully Apple will get their shit together with all their server problems.

And there will be lots and lots more, I’m sure. I can’t wait to leave early Tuesday morning.

Thanks for having me, Amber. I wish I could afford to fly through Denver so we could have copious amounts of sex, but alas, I’m broker than snot.

The Amazing Amber Show July 10, 2008

Hi, Shelli here. I’m also guest posting over at Secondhand Tryptophan today, too. Some of you don’t know me, so you probably haven’t read the posts that I have written about Amber. I’m going to paraphrase and condense them for you here. (You can read them here and here, if you want.)

I thought and thought about what I could write here that would be on the same scale as Amber’s posts. Amber is always saying what a great writer, woman, survivor, friend, etc., etc., etc. that I am. When she is saying those things to me, I can’t help but to think she is looking in the mirror. Every attribute she has ever given me, she has in spades.

For instance, she’s a survivor. I have been through lots of stuff in my life, but I cannot imagine going through what this girl has been through in her young life. I hope it means that for her, life is going to a bowl of cherries from now on. (Without the pits, please.)

She’s a great writer. Many of you may not even know how great a writer she is. Probably you do, though, because you are all allowed to be called “Amber’s friend”. As Britt once said to me, “Amber writes the most awesome emails.” And she really does. There are so many times when an email or a comment from her could make my whole day.

She’s a great friend. For me, this has been the thing that shines the most. Somehow, she just knows when I need a pick me up and the girl comes through. Whether it is an email, voicemail, text message or phone call, within minutes, I have forgotten why I was sad or angry or miserable and I have a smile on my face and, usually, a giggle to go with it. I don’t know what I did for God that He gave me this amazing friend. I don’t even really think that I deserve her. That’s not just me saying that. Sometimes, I just don’t think I hold up my end of the friendship table very well. But whatever God has in store for us, I just thank Him every time I think of Amber.

As far as her being an amazing woman, all I have to say to her is, Baby, you’ve only just begun. I see a totally awesome future for you because I see all the good you are. I love you, girl!

(Somewhat) Final Notes July 8, 2008

Last minute shopping? Check.

Laundry? Check.

Packing? Check.

eConfirmation Tickets/Reservations Paperwork? Check.

Paycheck cashed and bills paid? Check.

The last minute stuff will be thrown into my smaller suitcase once my mom gets down here to pick me up.  After she gets off work, she’ll be making a Big Loop around to GJ, where I’ll meet her at my aunt and uncle’s house once I get off work.  We’ll be stashing my bags, meeting my dad and sister in Rxe, where I’ll be joining them for the 3 hour drive to Denver.  My mom will then complete her circle back home and my dad will drop us at the airport early Wednesday morning as my car is still in the friggin’ shop. 

We should be arriving at the hotel around 10pm (or so) where we’ll get a few hours sleep before getting up at the ass crack of dawn (about 4am) to be at the airport by 5:30am and then departing for Atlanta at 7:00am.

And then… the vacation commences!

We’ll be spending five days at the conference/concert(s), exploring Atlanta, and hopefully going to a couple of things that each of us wants to see - like the Gone With the Wind Museum (Yes, I know I’m a dork!), an Aquarium or possibly the Zoo, and of course some sight-seeing.  I REALLY want to see some of the old plantation houses that still stand from times past. 

But… there’s no *set* itinerary, with the exception of the conference/concert(s) we’ll be attending, so we’re just going to play it by ear an see what happens.  Who knows? We may end up spending all our down-time by the pool, working on our tans!

In any case, I’ve got to get some sleep as I do have one more day of work to get through before the traveling starts. 

It’s looking to be a very, very, busy week!

However…

Stay tuned here for some awesome bloggers who were good enough to agree to guest post for me while I’m away.  Also, if you don’t follow me on twitter you totally should as I’ll be texting some random updates there throughout my trip.  And if that’s not a blatant cry to be stalked, I don’t know what is! (Haha). 

I hope you all miss me because you can count on the fact that I will be missing all of you and those two magic little words will be popping into my head frequently.  The ones that, as bloggers, we are ALL very much aware of… “Blog Fodder!”

And don’t worry - I’ll be taking pictures!

So… until Sunday (or Monday depending on how tired I am when we roll back into GJ Sunday night), I’m out!

Leavin’… On A Jet Plane… July 7, 2008

I’ve been looking forward to this trip to Atlanta, GA with my sister for over a month now. 

I’ve been anticipating, excited, and getting things in order since the plane tickets were bought.

Yet, here it is, about 48 hours before I’m set to drive to Denver and hop on the plane annnd… I’m kind of… Completely, Utterly, Overwhelmed.

People wonder why I’m a control freak and totally OCD? It’s because those qualities help me to not feel like I just went bungee jumping before my harness was attached to the cord.  Or… something like that.

Anyway.

I’ve got a list of Things To Do about a mile long, 24 hours worth of work, sleep to catch (somewhere), and some last minute shopping to take care of. 

Which means I don’t really have time to upload all my pictures from the 4th of July festivities, recount the ridiculous fight that Teresa and I have going on at the moment, my sister’s heartbreaking split from the AlcoholicLoser (PLEASE GOD, LET IT STAY A BREAK-UP! I hate seeing her in pain, but I know she’ll be better off in the long run!), the drama of my work situation and the haze that is surrounding getting myself moved and enrolled in school. 

There is not a single part of my life that doesn’t feel like it’s up in the air at the moment and I don’t have a freaking clue what is coming on next.  But I can’t shake the feeling that something big has been unfolding for a while and it will continue to do so over the summer.  This trip to Atlanta is just one more piece of it.

Very disconcerting, to say the least.

However, it’s almost 2am and I have to be at work in a few, short, hours so I’m going to wrap it up with this:

I have some AMAZING guest bloggers lined up.  Yes, Metal Mom (see: sidebar), I went to the Dark Side (LOL) but I think it’s going to be fun, and interesting, to see the stories everybody writes here.  And I am VERY appreciative to everyone who has volunteered or been brow-beaten to blog for me while I’m away.  I adore every single one of you!

I couldn’t receive the post that Winter sent to my email earlier, so I’m going to take Miss Britt’s suggestion.  If you’re going to be a guest blogger while I’m on vacation, please register at www.wordpress.com and then email me your username so I can add you as an author (or whatever?) to my blog and then you can pop on at your convenience to write.  I think that’s probably going to be the easiest way to do it.  I think you all have my “Personal” email address, but if not, you can also reach me at: princepessa04@gmail.com.

Thanks again, everybody!

Wanted: Guest Posters! The rest of it is totally random… July 2, 2008

I got a call from my sister last night and I think I now know why I’ve had such a “bad” feeling and been so anxious about my family as of late. 

Apparently, little Miss Thang, got herself an MIP and an escort out of Country Jam Saturday night.  Ten minutes before she was set to see Tim McGraw.  This would be Number Four.  Niceee!

I guess I’ve learned a few things in the last couple of years because, trust me.  My knee jerk reaction? Wanted to yell at her and ask her what in the hell was she thinking and does she know what she’s going to have to deal with now, Stupid!? But… I didn’t say anything.  I kept the cool.  I kept my calm.  I listened to her and said it was a bummer that she had to miss out on Tim McGraw when she’d really been looking forward to it.

So… progress… right?

Things at work are… uhm… interesting.  And by interesting, I mean “truly horrible.”  However, I’m not going to get into it because honestly? It just gets me pissed all over again and I’m trying REALLY hard not to let the nastiness going on there, spill over into my personal life.  They get 11 - 12 hours a day of my life, four days a week — I’d say that’s quite enough, no?

Anyway!

There’s a show on TV that caught my attention tonight.  It’s called, “Baby Borrowers” and it was great.  It’s even got a concept that I can get behind — don’t have babies until you’re ready! Now, that is in NO WAY a slam against young mothers who found themselves pregnant and are raising their children with love.  Even when they get so frustrated they want to bang their heads against a wall until they pass out.  My own mother found herself pregnant with me at the tender age of 19.  My three aunts found themselves pregnant at 17, 18, and 21.  My cousin got pregnant when she was 19.  My sister would have two kids already, starting at 17 if she hadn’t miscarried.  The list goes on…

All of the women I know in my “personal” life and the blogs of young moms I read on the Blogosphere, amaze me every single day, in countless ways.  I would never disrespect them, so please… don’t take this like that. 

I’m talking about young women, ages 18 to 20, who are in their first “adult” relationship and they want nothing more than to get pregnant and have a family.  They don’t have a CLUE as to what goes into being a parent and the majority of them are far too selfish to willingly sacrifice for the sake of their child.  There is NOTHING wrong with being selfish at this age, either.  I’m nearly 24 and I’m still too selfish to have a child! The only difference is… I’m perfectly aware of that fact.  I think having babies and raising a family is a beautiful, amazing, thing.  And one day, I hope to share that experience with the billions of moms that have done it before me.  I don’t think you can ever be truly “ready” — but I certainly think that you can be more prepared and have a decent grasp on what reality is like, before making this lifelong commitment, ya know?

So, this show.  It has parent’s volunteering their kids and they give them their own houses, one of them has to go to work, the other stays at home with the baby.  The parents watch, along with professional nannies via cameras they’ve got set up, but… they’re basically on their own.  And it’s not just an “overnighter” either — I seen 3 full days of being a full-on parent.  Some of them were already singing a different tune after sleepless nights, the stress of keeping a baby (and your significant other) clean, fed, laundered, bathed, played with, etc.  It’s going to be interesting as they move through the rest of the age groups - toddlers, children, pre-teens, and teenagers.

And for those of you who are wondering how you, too, can get involved with helping young people understand the reality of child-rearing and making a home… while getting a mini-vacation from your kids? The name of that show again is, “Baby Borrowers.” Don’t ever say I didn’t do anything for you! Haha.

In other news, Metal Mom CALLED ME the other day and we had a great hour and a half long conversation.  She. Is. Hilarious.  And what you see on her blog, is what you get.  If, for some reason, you haven’t checked her out yet - you need to!

We discussed the “guest blogging” that goes on at other blogs when they’re out on vacation and while we agreed it was cool to read other people’s posts… neither one of us wanted to do it on our own.  But, as I sat down to write this tonight, I realized that, “OH SHIT! I’M GOING TO BE ON VACATION THE MAJORITY OF NEXT WEEK! WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOO?!” Because seriously? I’m going to be seeing some of my favorite artists LIVE and spending some major quality time with my little sister.  Also, *cough* going to the Gone With the Wind Museum *cough* and exploring the beautiful homes of the south and soaking it all in.  I doubt I’m going to have time to be posting.  So… I’ve never issued this invitation before and it’s not likely that I get the traffic to this blog that you do, (YES! YOU! And YOU!) if anyone is interested in being a guest poster for the dates of August 9th thru August 13th… I would so heart you, forever and ever! (I’m not above bribery, either - chocolate? Money? Sexual favors? You name it - it’s yours! haha).  Obviously, I’m not above writing about ANYTHING here - so it’s free reign.  My casa is your casa… or whatever.  Please email me at princepessa04@gmail.com if you’d be interested… Thanks!

With that, it’s 11:15pm and I still have to go straighten the mop of tangly curls that my hair has become since getting out of the shower and GO TO BED.  I get off work tomorrow and will be heading up to Mxr for the 4th of July fesitivities *woot!* - it’s really the best time as far as things to do up in my small hometown.  Teresa and I are hitting the carnival tomorrow night.  I promise I’ll be posting a pictures entry of the last couple of weeks before I take off.  I’ve got them on my phone, just haven’t had time to do anything with them yet!

Sweet dreams, Internet!

Just Remember To Breathe, Stupid! June 30, 2008

I’m sure that everyone has heard the term, “a woman’s intuition” and/or heard it said that women have a “sixth sense.” 

In my own life, I’ve experienced both of these to be true.  My mother is an extremely intuitive woman and I’ve witnessed it to be fact.  Like the time that she was bowling and stopped to call the school because she’d “had a feeling” that I had slipped and broken my arm.  As it turns out, when she called, the school nurse told her they’d been trying to reach her because I’d slipped and broken my ankle.  Close enough.  I’ve never been able to pull anything over her eyes - even when I was denying, denying, denying, she and I both knew that I hadn’t been able to convince her 100% to ignore her gut.  It’s been extremely rare that she’s been “off” on one of her “feelings” regarding me.  And my sister.  And pretty much everyone else she comes into contact with.  So yes, I believe that she has that “sixth sense” or “woman’s intuition” or whatever you want to call it.

My dad, on the other hand, has this unique ability to look at any situation and/or any person, cut away all the layers, and get to the very core of a matter, or person, within seconds.  Growing up, he was constantly beating the “bigger picture” into our heads.  He taught all three of us how to look deeper into whatever person we’re dealing with, or circumstance we’re going through.  He taught us his unique ability to read anything.  Anyone.  Any time.  While he certainly is more adept at it and is rarely wrong, we’re all the time gaining ground on it.  We… *I*… might now always have the right answer(s), but it’s the point that we look past the trees to see the forest, you know?

Both of these “traits” so to speak, that have been passed on - one by birth/genetics/whatever, the other by lessons - have come in handy in my life.  I rely on both of them heavily to make decisions, judgments, and so on.  There have been many, many, things that have come up where I’ve had a “feeling” about something and because of it, certain disaster has been avoided in both the lives of my loved ones and myself. 

There have also been times where no amount of forewarning or insight would change what was going to happen. 

And those are the things that scare the hell out of me. 

If you’ve been reading my journal for a while, then no doubt you’ve read the story about how, the night before my brother’s accident, I woke up out of a deep sleep where I’d been clutched by the most agonizing, horrible, nightmare I have EVER had.  I dreamt that my mom had been in a car accident and died.  Except… I was like… an invisible bystander - witnessing the paramedics working on her, seeing the crumpled wreckage of what used to be her car.  Even now, I can recall the overwhelming panic and grief that had gripped me that night. 

I called her the next morning on my way to work around 7:30am and asked her to please be extra cautious that day and, with tears in my eyes, I recounted the graphic nightmare I’d had.  She assured me everything was going to be just fine and she would be careful. 

Relieved, but with a… “sense of doom” … (not to be dramatic, but nothing else I can think of to describe it) still hanging over my head, I hung up and continued on to work.

Two and a half hours later, my aunt showed up to my work - red eyes, swollen from crying, looking to be on the verge of bawling again - she told me to get my things and come with her, she would explain in the car.

Well, it wasn’t in the car.  After I raced back up to the front, I was directed into my manager’s office, who carefully closed the door behind her.  My eyes were glued on hers as I demanded to know RIGHT NOW WHAT WAS GOING ON! And… I heard the words that sent my world spinning of it’s axis.  On some level, I even comprehended the words that are so vividly clear in my mind’s ear as I write this:

“Amber…” she started out.  “I’m so sorry…” her voice cracked here and her eyes filled with tears as she blindly reached for my hand, “but there’s been an accident…” It was here I felt my knees start to weaken and my vision go dark, somewhere in the back of my mind, it was screaming at me: “NO! SHE PROMISED SHE WOULD BE CAREFUL!” Starting to lose it, she finished, “and Matt was killed…”

I don’t remember much of the next few minutes that would turn into the most heartbreaking day of my life, thus far.  I remember I started screaming, saying, “NO! NO! NO!” like that was going to change it.  I remember saying I was going to throw up as my knees finally gave out and I sank into the chair behind me.  Crying… trying to catch my breath and breathe. 

Six hours after that nightmare, my little brother was gone.  Seven hours after that nightmare, I found out and started, more or less, living it. 

I didn’t mean to write all of that out as I’ve written about this before.  It just kind of… came.  I guess that has affected me in more ways that I can imagine.  But one thing I will always associate with that day, was the knot of dread in my stomach.  This feeling that I couldn’t shake, like something was horribly WRONG. 

It’s been a feeling I’ve experienced a few times since then - and it has the power to knock the wind right out of my lungs. 

The last few days, at various times, this sick certainty has been knotting up my stomach, rolling over me in waves that are so strong it makes me physically nauseous. 

I don’t know if I’ve just got some stress/anxiety going on because of all the EFFING DRAMA that’s been happening recently and the fact that some dumbass backed into the front of my mom’s Trailblazer and crunched it when she was lost in Denver her last trip… or what the “deal” is exactly.

All I *do* know, however, is that I can’t hide from life.  Or the fear of “what ifs” - that’s never been the way for me to live my life and I’m sure as hell not going to start now.  I still go and do and support my family and friends going and doing - I just hug them extra tight before they go and never end a phone conversation without telling them I love them. 

I think even worse than the “feeling” is not knowing whether it’s your own intuition kicking in to warn you and help prepare you for what’s to come, if it’s the circumstances around you - running on too little sleep, too much stress, and wayyy too much caffeine, or if it’s something as simple as a panic attack (though I’ve never had them before and don’t know why I’d start now).  I guess only time will really tell.  But it sure helped to write this out…

 

PMS Is An Evil Whore! June 28, 2008

I’ve been a grumpy hag the last two days and I kind of assumed it was because work has been just a LITTLE stressful lately.  I thought maybe things were starting to catch up with me and that’s why I’ve had no patience, or tolerance, for that matter for people who would normally fall under the, “You’re Obnoxious But Tolerable Because I’ve Heard You Have Redeemable Qualities” category. 

I also thought that was why the Fantasy I Could Never Actually Do, in which I move to some fabulously huge city and melt into the anonymity millions of people afford, was becoming more and more appealing.

But… nope. 

APPARENTLY, my recent Hagness is due to PMS.  I know! Isn’t it awesome!?

Erm… okay, maybe not so much.  Feeling like you just got kicked in the ovaries is not fun.  Neither is alternating between dissolving into a puddle of tears, being snarky with little provocation, and exercising great restraint to not have a full-fledged temper tantrum over the smallest of things. 

The good news? This, too, shall pass! And I’ll be back to normal… or rather, as normal as I ever get! Ha!

For now, I’m going to continue enjoying my ENTIRE WEEKEND ALONE (*woot!*) in between popping Midol and Motrin, go see either Get Smart or Sex and the City at the stadium theatre, finish laundry, keep stalking y’all on Twitter(.com), and eat some Ghengis Grill (this yummy Mongolian Stir Fry place - I love watching them cook it!) before we hit the movies.  As far as I know, it’s just going to be Jon and I… but I’m hoping his boyfriend gets to come with us as I’ve yet to meet him and I’ve heard a lot of wonderful things about him.

*Snifflez* Isn’t love a beautiful thing…? I’ve actually been thinking about taking the “I’d Love To Be Great Friends With You! … Please Don’t Let It Turn Into Anything Else Or I Will Go Guarded On Your Ass Faster Than You Can Blink” sign down long enough to maybe, I don’t know, get into a relationship, fall in love, all that warm, fuzzy, feeling, stuff again.  I mean, two years without is long enough, no?

Eh, maybe not.  I actually like being single most of the time.  Seeing other people that are very much in love - my parents, Jester and Uncle Monkey Boy, Mike and Dani, now Jon and his “French Fry” as he calls him - kind of stirs up those feelings you know? PMS has NOTHING to do with it.  Shuddup.

Okay, right.  Well, I’ve got to go get dressed and tease up my natural curls a bit - if I straighten it, Jon will have a Bitch Fit.  The last thing I want to hear after going FOREVER without seeing him is, “what the fuck did you do to your hair?!” And the incessant nagging that follows. 

So… what are YOU doing this fine, Saturday night?